Charles Eastman:
My dear Senator Dawes, as I believed you sincere in asking me to keep you informed, I write you again in an appeal for your assistance. With no medical equipment here worthy of the name and understocked in medicines, there has been little reason for the sick to risk the journey to the agency for treatment. I bought a horse and a wagon with my own salary and have just now returned from the several weeks in the villages. It is a mistake to trust the official reports. Measles, influenza and whooping cough have ascended from hell all at once. My own assistant's child has been taken. The agent here, Royer, has no experience and even less inclination to help these people. Of equal concern is the epidemic of hopelessness that has overtaken the reservation. That the Sioux would bear the wretched taste of cod-liver oil for the ounce of spirits contained in the bottle is, to me, the whole of their experience in a nutshell. I no longer deny them. Many here fear a return to the old ways. The prophesy of a Paiute shaman called Wovoka has spread from tribe to tribe faster than a telegraph signal, rekindling old superstitions among the Sioux and old apprehensions among the whites who are sure to mistake desperation for hostility. As conditions worsen, the church can provide little solace beyond a Christian burial. Sincerely yours, Charles Eastman.
Ken:
Up there, the top altar, is a vial brought back by a Flemish knight from the Crusades in the Holy Land. And that vial, do you know what it's said to contain?
Ray:
No, what's it said to contain?
Ken:
It's said to contain some drops of Jesus Christ's blood. Yeah, that's how this church got its name. Basilica of the Holy Blood.
Ray:
Yeah. Yeah.
Ken:
And this blood, right, though it's dried blood, at different times over many years, they say it turned back into liquid. Turned back into liquid from dried blood. At various times of great stress.
Ray:
Yeah?
Ken:
Yeah. So, yeah, I'm gonna go up in the queue and touch it, which is what you do.
Ray:
Yeah?
Ken:
Yeah. You coming?
Ray:
Do I have to?
Ken:
Do you have to? Of course you don't have to. It's Jesus' fucking blood, isn't it? Of course you don't fucking have to! Of *course* you don't fucking have to!
Reverend Sullivan:
"Do not be deceived. God is not mocked." Hmmm. [Landon walks into the Church as Reverend Sullivan is practicing his sermon]
Reverend Sullivan:
"Whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap...” Can I help you?
Landon:
Uh, yes, sir. I'd like to ask your daughter to dinner on Saturday night.
Reverend Sullivan:
That's not possible.
Landon:
Well... with all due respect, sir, I ask you to reconsider.
Reverend Sullivan:
With all due respect, Mr. Carter, I made my decision. You can, uh, exit the way you entered.
Landon:
Listen, I'm sorry I haven't treated Jamie the way I should've. She deserves more than that. I'm just asking you for the same thing that you teach us every day in Church. And that's faith.
Reverend Sullivan:
[Exhales deeply]
Jesse James:
Give me some more conversations, Bob.
Charley Ford:
I got one. This one's about as crackerjack.
Jesse James:
Let Bob tell it.
Robert Ford:
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Charley Ford:
About how much you and Jesse have in common.
Jesse James:
Go on, Bob.
Charley Ford:
Tell a story.
Robert Ford:
Nope. Nope.
Charley Ford:
Entertain Jesse. He's here.
Robert Ford:
Well, if you'll pardon my saying so, I guess it is interesting, the many ways you and I overlap and whatnot. You begin with our Daddies. Your daddy was a pastor of the New Hope Baptist Church; my daddy was a pastor of a church at Excelsior Springs. Um. You're the youngest of the three James boys; I'm the youngest of the five Ford boys. Between Charley and me, is another brother, Wilbur here, with six letters in his name; between Frank and you was a brother, Robert, also with six letters. Robert is my Christian name. You have blue eyes; I have blue eyes. You're five feet eight inches tall. I'm five feet eight inches tall. Oh me, I must've had a list as long as your nightshirt when I was twelve, but I've lost some curiosities over the years.
Jesse James:
[stares at Bob for a long time, smiles] Ain't he something?
Eli Sunday:
How is all the work coming?
Plainview:
Everything's good.
Eli Sunday:
All the men are provided for?
Plainview:
Of course.
Eli Sunday:
Spirit's seem high. Is there... anything that you need from me? Anything the church can do for you?
Plainview:
I don't believe so, no. Thank you.
Eli Sunday:
I understand you've asked the people to gather round and watch the well begin tomorrow, is that right?
Plainview:
That's right.
Eli Sunday:
I will bless the well. Before you begin, you should introduce me. You'll see me walk up towards the oil well, and...
Plainview:
The derrick.
Eli Sunday:
-You'll see me walk up, and then you can say my name.
Plainview:
When you walk up?
Eli Sunday:
Yes. You'll see me walk up, and then you could say "The proud son of these hills, who tended his father's flock", and then you could say my name.
Plainview:
That's fine.
Eli Sunday:
And what happens then?
Plainview:
Well, then we start the drill.
Eli Sunday:
It's a simple blessing, Daniel, but an important one. It's just a few words, it won't take long. What time?
Plainview:
What time's good for you, Eli?
Eli Sunday:
Four o'clock.
Plainview:
Well, let's make it four o'clock then. My thanks for your visit.
Eli Sunday:
Good day. Thank you.
[first lines]
Announcer:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism WOW, Cardinal Glick.
Cardinal Glick:
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal... both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies... He came to help us out. He was a booster. And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the "Catholicism WOW. " campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you... The Buddy Christ. Now that's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol, just something we've been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn't it... pop? Buddy Christ...
Harry Faversham:
I've left the army. [Ethne laughs in disbelief]
Harry Faversham:
No, Ethne, I have left the army.
Ethne:
Why?
Harry Faversham:
There was talk they might send us abroad. For a year or two. I didn't want to wait that long to get married.
Ethne:
I would have waited. Or come with you. My mother did the same for my father.
Harry Faversham:
Yes, I know, but it tisn't what I wnated for us. You're all that matters to me now.
Ethne:
Where were they going to send you?
Harry Faversham:
They weren't sure. [the church door opens and a delivery boy from the army gives Harry a package that contains three white feathers]
Ethne:
[Picking up the feathers from the floor] Is this your friends' idea of a joke? What is it, Harry?
Harry Faversham:
Feathers of cowardice. Yesterday we were informed that our regement would be shipping out to Sudan. That we would be sent to war.
Ethne:
You don't know where they were sending you, you said it yourself. You did it for me. No one in their right mind could call you a coward. Especially not your friends. If there's been some kind of misunderstanding you have to clear it out. You have to go back to the regement and clear it out.
Harry Faversham:
No, I can't.
Ethne:
Then I will. I'll go see Trench, Willoughby and Castleton myself and tell them it's my fault you resigned. You did it for me.
Harry Faversham:
It has nothing to do with you, Ethne!
Ethne:
Then why?
Harry Faversham:
I never wanted to join the army! I did it for my father. I thought I'd serve my commission for a year or two and keep everyone happy and then I could...
Ethne:
Do what? Wait until we were married to tell me the truth?
Harry Faversham:
Ethne, I never meant to lie to you.
Ethne:
No, but you were quite happy to let me deceive myself. Do you think people will let us forget this?
Harry Faversham:
I don't care what people think, Ethne. All I care about is us.
Ethne:
It's not about us, Harry. It's just not about us. Jack would give his life for you.
Harry Faversham:
Don't you think I know that?
Ethne:
Then go back. It's not too late. Tell them you wouldn't have resigned if it weren't for me.
Ethne:
I would have resigned. And I wouldn't have gone to war for anything or anyone.
Ethne:
Then you are a coward.
Host:
Now, you may have some questions concerning the validity and integrity of the organization. Well, no less than the Internal Revenue Service of the United States government conducted a review of Scientology. The most thorough investigation of any church in its history. Over a period of many years, they examined millions of pages of church documents, and financial records. They studied every aspect of the religion, and its corporate and ecclesiastical structure. And their findings? The IRS determined that Scientology *is* a bona fide religion. That the churches of Scientology, and their related social betterment organizations, operate *exclusively* for religious, charitable, and educational purposes. That they benefit the *public*, rather than the interests of private individuals. And that no part of their income goes to the benefit of any individual or noncharitable entity. It is likely that Scientology was scrutinized more deeply than any other church in history. And it passed that review with flying colors, gaining full religious and charitable recognition. In doing so, the IRS granted the church, and all its affiliated organizations, full tax exemption. In fact, you'll be happy to know, even your donations are tax deductible. Just like every religion. Now that you know the factual and legal standing of the church, you may well ask the question, "What are the advantages of Dianetics and Scientology for me?" So, let's ask some people.
In Sarajevo in 1992, while being shown around the starved, bombarded city by the incomparable John Burns, I experienced four near misses in all, three of them in the course of one day. I certainly thought that the Bosnian cause was worth fighting for and worth defending, but I could not take myself seriously enough to imagine that my own demise would have forwarded the cause. (I also discovered that a famous jaunty Churchillism had its limits: the old war-lover wrote in one of his more youthful reminiscences that there is nothing so exhilarating as being shot at without result. In my case, the experience of a whirring, whizzing horror just missing my ear was indeed briefly exciting, but on reflection made me want above all to get to the airport. Catching the plane out with a whole skin is the best part by far.) Or suppose I had been hit by that mortar that burst with an awful shriek so near to me, and turned into a Catherine wheel of body-parts and (even worse) body-ingredients? Once again, I was moved above all not by the thought that my death would 'count,' but that it would not count in the least.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
[talking on phone] Bunny? We're making another movie! Yes. I got the Baptist Church of Beverly Hills to put up the cash!
Paul Marco:
[knocking on door] Ed, I got the Lugosi doubles outside!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Bunny, I gotta go... [Ed opens the door to find a short man, a fat man, and a Chinese man]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
[sighs, shakes head] He's too short, he's too... tall, he's... just not going to work.
Paul Marco:
Well, Ed. I was thinking like when Bela played Fu Manchu...
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
[Pulls Paul aside] [wispering]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Paul, that was Karloff.
