Lou:
My sweet vanilla creamy, chewy jellybeany, absolutely dreamy girl. Your juicy fruity lips, good and plenty. A cherry bomb in every bite, rich and lovely chocolate kisses delight. Mmm and mmm, melts in my mouth and in my hands. I want to nestle in your mounds and revel in your snickers, I want to Godiva into your bit o'honey, almond enjoying you, kissing up your peppermint patty, I am your sugar daddy. All saltwater Taffy, my sweet tart Sassy... hook, line, and sucker.
Scott Calvin:
Did I miss anything?
Business Guy Across from Him:
No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch.
Scott Calvin:
Great! I'm starving.
Susan Perry:
I'll have a salad and iced tea, and dressing on the side.
Mr. Whittle:
Ah, paste and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that?
Scott Calvin:
And I'll have a Caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, crème brulee, and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge. [licks his lips in addiction to tons of sweets, and looks at some people looking weirdly at him]
Scott Calvin:
[taking where he left off] On the side.
Waiter:
Anything to drink?
Scott Calvin:
[sighs] Ice-cold milk.
Susan Perry:
[wondering if he was really honest with them about his suddenly big belly] Stung by a bee, Scott?
Scott Calvin:
A big bee.
Joey Naylor:
...so what happens when you're wrong?
Nick Naylor:
Whoa, Joey I'm never wrong.
Joey Naylor:
But you can't always be right...
Nick Naylor:
Well, if it's your job to be right, then you're never wrong.
Joey Naylor:
But what if you are wrong?
Nick Naylor:
OK, let's say that you're defending chocolate, and I'm defending vanilla. Now if I were to say to you: 'Vanilla is the best flavour ice-cream', you'd say...
Joey Naylor:
No, chocolate is.
Nick Naylor:
Exactly, but you can't win that argument... so, I'll ask you: so you think chocolate is the end all and the all of ice-cream, do you?
Joey Naylor:
It's the best ice-cream, I wouldn't order any other.
Nick Naylor:
Oh! So it's all chocolate for you is it?
Joey Naylor:
Yes, chocolate is all I need.
Nick Naylor:
Well, I need more than chocolate, and for that matter I need more than vanilla. I believe that we need freedom. And choice when it comes to our ice-cream, and that Joey Naylor, that is the defintion of liberty.
Joey Naylor:
But that's not what we're talking about
Nick Naylor:
Ah! But that's what I'm talking about.
Joey Naylor:
...but you didn't prove that vanilla was the best...
Nick Naylor:
I didn't have to. I proved that you're wrong, and if you're wrong I'm right.
Joey Naylor:
But you still didn't convince me
Nick Naylor:
It's that I'm not after you. I'm after them. [points into the crowd]
Adam Larson:
[Marilyn and Kasey are in the drive-thru of Dougals] May I take your order please?
Marilyn Larson:
Yes, I'd like one Double Dougal, two half Dougals, one with cheese. A double cheeseburger special meal with a diet cola. Two regular fries, an apple pie, two small colas, and chocolate shake.
Adam Larson:
May I take your order please?
Kasey Larson:
Allow me, I'd like one Double Dougal, two half Dougals, one with cheese. A double cheeseburger special meal with a diet cola. Two regular fries, an apple pie, two small colas, and chocolate shake.
Adam Larson:
Would you like something to drink with that?
Marilyn Larson:
What kind of person hires a moron like that? [camera then shows Adam working the drive-thru window]
Dallas:
Just get the fucking coffee and let's go.
Billy Hill:
This ain't exactly Brazil. I coulda pissed you a fuckin' cup by now.
Nick:
[to Cashier] HEY? You're out of Chocolate Mac!
Cashier:
Sorry. No Chocolate Macadamia. You will please have something else?
Nick:
[filling cup] Fuckin' Hazelnut...
Cashier:
[ringing up cash register] That will be one dollar and eight cents.
Nick:
The sign says "All coffee: 69 cents."
Cashier:
I am very sorry, but that is a 44-ounce cup and the largest coffee cup is 20 ounces. Therefore, I must charge you 99 cents, plus tax, the price of a large fountain drink.
Nick:
That's bullshit! That sign says "Coffee: all sizes", not "all sizes up to 20 ounces."
Cashier:
I'm humbly sorry, but you must pay 99 cents, plus tax, for that cup.
Dallas:
Just pay the bitch the dollar-eight and let's get the FUCK outta here!
Nick:
Fine, but it's bullshit. Just get me my fuckin' snackie cake.
Cashier:
I'm sorry. I cannot do that. That is *only* available with the 20-ounce coffee. That is not a 20-ounce coffee.
Billy Hill:
This bitch is gettin' on my nerves, man. Forget it!
Dallas:
Just give him the fuckin' danish.
Nick:
That sign says, "Free snackie cake." I paid a dollar and eight cents for my coffee. I want my free snackie cake!
Cashier:
I *cannot* do that.
Dallas:
[puts snackie cake on the counter] Here. Hmmm? Take it!
Nick:
That's apple cinnamon! I wanted cream cheese.
Billy Hill:
For fuck's sake, pay her the money and let's go.
Nick:
[scoffs] Fine! Either of you got something smaller than a Ben?
Cashier:
[Billy opens his case and hands Nick a $50] I'm sorry. I cannot accept any moneys over a $20 bill.
Billy Hill:
[frustrated] That's it...
Cashier:
I should not sell it to you anyway, as that cup is very hot and might burn you. You are very strange. I'm going to call the police.
Dallas:
Fuck this. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!... BLAM!
[last lines]
The President of the United States:
Everyone, I'd like to welcome my new Joint Chiefs of Staff, General W.R. Monger.
General W.R. Monger:
Thanks, Mr. President. What a great way to celebrate my ninetieth birthday.
The President of the United States:
Very good, Warren. So, let's get it started in here. Nerd!
Advisor Wedgie:
Gentlemen, I have here the preliminary budget for rebuilding San Francisco.
The President of the United States:
Zoinkers! This is gonna be a boring one. Good time for a cup of joe. Warren, how do you take it?
General W.R. Monger:
Hit me with an organic venti chocolate brownie caramel mochacchino, extra hot with one inch of foam, non-fat.
The President of the United States:
You got it, black it is. [Pushes the nuke button by mistake, despite all the advisors shouting at him not to]
General W.R. Monger:
My God, man! What have you done?
The President of the United States:
Time to wave the white flag and head to the bunker, boys. Let's look at the situation again in 500 years. Who wants to freeze my head?
