Joey Parker: [Mary is walking, and Joey calls her over] Mary! [She turns the other direction. He runs after her] Joey Parker: Hey! Mary? Mary, slow down! Hey hey hey. What's wrong? I've been calling Tami trying to get a hold of you. [Mary looks like she's about to cry] Joey Parker: What did I do? Mary: It doesn't matter. It's done. We're done. [she walks away] Joey Parker: [Joey catches back up to her] Woah. What are you talking about? Mary: Did you feel sorry for me? Was I your charity case? Is that why you asked me out? Joey Parker: What does that even... Mary: [Mary interrupts him] You figured you could toy with me until someone better came along, and I wouldn't mind because I was lucky a big star wanted me. Well, you know what really sucks about falling for a guy you know you're not right for? You fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different. [She tries to leave, but Joey stops her] Joey Parker: Mary... Mary: Anyway, thanks for all the dance moves, but I'm done dancing. Goodbye.
Marv: He made us hide out in the store so we could steal all the kiddies' charity money. Harry: [Kicks Marv] Shut up, Marv! You got the right to remain silent, you know. Marv: He's a little cranky. We just broke out of prison a few days ago. Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up, Marv! Geez. Policeman: Get'em outta here. Marv: Remember, if this makes the papers, we're no longer the Wet Bandits, we're the Sticky Bandits! Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up! Marv: That's S... Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up! Marv: ...T... [Gets kicked again] Marv: Ummm... Harry: I. Marv: ...I...
Eve Russell: Is Charity having premonitions again? Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald: No, it's worse. She broke up with me.
Mary: You don't have to pretend like you like me. I've had enough charity to last a lifetime.
Christian Finnegan: If you went to the Democratic convention this summer, what your saying about yourself is, "Hey! Remember that guy that was doing charity work so that it would look good on his college application? That was me!" Christian Finnegan: If you went to the Republican convention this summer, what your saying about yourself is, "Hey! Remember that guy that was doing charity work so that it would look good on his college application? I was beating the crap outta that kid!"
Hal: Think they got a beer guy around here? Lois: This is a charity event at an elementary school. Hal: Hmmm, so I guess I gotta go to a stand?
Abie 'The Bug' Pinkwise: Max's Maxims: First: Buy now, save later. Having money and not flashing it is strictly for Gentiles. No offense. Second: Never forget the people who got you there. Charity and generosity don't just make sense, they make dollars. Do right by your community and your community will do right by you. And finally if you do get caught, God forbid, Don't snitch... it's better to do time than end up in an alley with a knife in your back.
James: [talking about charity causes] There's also the conjoined twins, which are like, those are Siamese twins, and I remember when I was a kid, I thought that it would be really awesome to have a conjoined twin because you'd always have a playmate, someone to hang out with, no matter what you'd never be lonely, but the reality is much more grim than that. It gets old very quickly, and it's hard to maneuver through like, a restaurant or whatever.
Jules: Wanna know what I'm buyin' Ringo? Pumpkin: What? Jules: Your life. I'm givin' you that money so I don't hafta kill your ass. You read the Bible? Pumpkin: Not regularly. Jules: There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, that meant your ass. I never game much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See, now I'm thinkin': maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. And I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be the shepherd.
Sasha: Look we don't need your charity or anything.
[Tabitha imagines being burned alive while Kay, Miguel, Pilar, Eve, T.C., Sam, Grace, and Charity watch] Father Lonigan: I condemn you to death for being an evil witch. [sprays her with holy water; Tabitha screams] Father Lonigan: That's for all the times you called me Father "Blind as a Bat." [laughs maniacally] Father Lonigan: All right, fellas, nuke her! [Miguel, T.C., and Sam slowly push her into the furnace while the women nurse Endora] Tabitha Lenox: Wait, what about my baby? Grace Bennett: Oh, don't worry. We're going to teach her to be good. Charity Standish: I'm going to take her to mass every day. Tabitha Lenox: Oh, no! Grace Bennett: And I'm going to teach her to make tomato soup cake. Tabitha Lenox: No, no, no!
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