Jack:
Hey, George... How does this relationship nonsense usually work?
George:
Usually, you go on a couple of dates, see if you like each other. Eventually you have sex.
Jack:
Right. I, uh... I sort of skipped the whole dating thing. So what then?
George:
And then, if you're happy with the action, you become boyfriend and girlfriend. It's really fun for, like, three months, and then you realize it's work. Then you dump her. Or not.
Jack:
Okay, let's say not.
George:
You move in together.
Jack:
I did that.
George:
Right. Well... Then you get married. You start your trajectory of acquisitions. Knives, forks, juicer, barbecue. You move to the 'burbs. You buy a house. You pop some kids out. You fight, you cheat, you separate, divorce, you split the shit, and see the kids on weekends. Then you start all over again.
Jack:
It all sounds so promising.
George:
It's just an outline, Jack.
Annie Lamm:
Grandpa, can I drive?
Barney:
You want to get us killed, kid?
Annie Lamm:
Oh, come on.
Barney:
What if a cop sees us? Or worse, your mother?
Annie Lamm:
There are only three cops on this Island, and they play paper football all day! I can do it.
Barney:
Driving a car is a little harder than a boat, Missy. Ane we all know how that turned out.
Grandpa Donald:
I don't know, Annie...
Annie Lamm:
OK... I guess when I'm your age I won't be able to tell my grandkis that my Grandpa taught me how to drive. It'll just be some random boyfriend instead.
Barney:
Captain, are you crazy?
Grandpa Donald:
Oh, don't get your panties all in a bunch. Live a little.
Barney:
I'd like to live a lot, that's the problem.
Annie Lamm:
Don't worry, Barney. I'm a good driver.
Barney:
I hope they spell my name right in the obituaries.
T-Bird:
What? What are you talking about? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You mean that place downtown? Yeah, I remember her. We needed to put some fear into that little lady, she wasn't going along with our tenant relocation program. Then her idiot boyfriend shows up and turns a simple, sweeping clear into a total cluster fuck! Who gives a shit? It's ancient history. Why? What do you want? What is it? What? Speak to me! Speak! [flashback of T-Bird and his gang breaking into Eric and Shelly's apartment]
T-Bird:
[to Shelly] Did you send us these complaints? [hits Shelly and drags her by the hair]
T-Bird:
Come here! "Abashed the devil stood-" Does it get you sweaty? [T-Bird finally recognizes Eric]
T-Bird:
I know you. I know you. [laughs nervously]
T-Bird:
I knew I knew you, I knew I knew you. But you ain't you. You can't be you. We put you through the window. There ain't no coming back. This is the really real world, there ain't no coming back. We killed you dead, there ain't no coming back! There ain't no coming back! There ain't no coming back!
Zoë:
So let's hear it ladies. Set romances, who's gettin' it off?
Kim:
That would be Lee and Toolbox.
Zoë:
Oh, Toolbox. Name sounds promising.
Abernathy:
He's a grip.
Lee:
What he is, is a pervert.
Zoë:
Wow, he just keeps sounding better and better. What's his perversion?
Lee:
He likes to watch me pee.
Kim:
Lee is sittin' on a toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee, P-I-S-S-I-N-G. Haha! Yeah, but not anymore, now she's getting it on with the rock.
Zoë:
You're having one off with The Rock?
Lee:
Yeah, but not the real Rock. He's this electrician named Bruce, and Kim started calling him The Rock because he looks like The Rock, so we all just started calling him the Rock.
Kim:
Oh yeah, this is an all star crew, we got a guy that looks like Nick Cage, and a guy that looks like Pee Wee Herman too.
Zoë:
Kim, dick department, let's hear it!
Kim:
No dick this trip. I got a man.
Zoë:
How long have you had this boyfriend for?
Kim:
Three months.
Zoë:
Who'd you steal him from?
Abernathy:
Kim, he totally had a girlfriend.
Zoë:
All of Kim's boyfriends start out as someone else's boyfriend.
Kim:
I didn't steal him, I didn't steal any of them, they all just... jumped ship.
