Jessica:
You don't appreciate the chaos and absurdity of life on this planet. You don't understand irony, or ethnicity, or eccentricity, or poetry, or the simple joy of being a regular at the diner on your block. I love that. You don't drink coffee or alcohol. You don't over eat. You don't cry when you're alone. You don't understand sarcasm. You plod through life in a neat, colorless, caffeine free, dairy free, conflict free way. I'm bold and angry and tortured and tremendous and I notice when someone has changed their hair part, or when someone is wearing two very distinctly different shades of black or when someone changes the natural temperment of their voice on the phone. I don't give out empty praise. I'm not complacent or well-adjusted. I can't spend fifteen minutes breathing and stretching and getting in touch with myself. I can't spend three minutes finishing an article. I check my answering machine nine times every day and I can't sleep at night because I feel that there is so much to do and fix and change in the world, and I wonder every day if I am making a difference and if I will ever express the greatness within me, or if I will remain forever paralyzed by muddled madness inside my head. I've wept on every birthday I've ever had because life is huge and fleeting and I hate certain people and certain shoes and I feel that life is terribly unfair and sometimes beautiful and wonderful and extraordinary but also numbing and horrifying and insurmountable and I hate myself a lot of the time. The rest of the time I adore myself and I adore my life in this city and in this world we live in. This huge and wondrous, bewildering, brilliant, horrible world.
Cady:
Hey!
Regina:
Why were you talking to Janis Ian?
Cady:
I don't know, I mean, she's so weird, she just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about crack.
Regina:
She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.
Buddy:
Who the heck are you?
Gimbel's Santa:
What are you talkin' about? I'm Santa Claus.
Buddy:
No, you're not.
Gimbel's Santa:
Uh, why of course I am! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Buddy:
Well, if you're Santa, what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year?
Gimbel's Santa:
Um, Happy Birthday of course. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. How old are you son?
Kid with Santa:
Four.
Gimbel's Santa:
You're a big boy. What's your name?
Kid with Santa:
Paul.
Gimbel's Santa:
Now what can I get you for Christmas?
Buddy:
Don't tell him what you want, he's a liar.
Gimbel's Santa:
Let the kid talk.
Buddy:
You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?
Gimbel's Santa:
Just cool it, Zippy.
Buddy:
You sit on a throne of lies.
Gimbel's Santa:
Look, I'm not kiddin'.
Buddy:
You're a fake.
Gimbel's Santa:
I'm a fake?
Buddy:
Yes!
Gimbel's Santa:
How'd you like to be dead, huh? Ho, ho, just kidding.
Buddy:
You stink.
Gimbel's Santa:
I think you're gonna have a good Christmas, all right.
Buddy:
You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa.
Louis Connelly:
[talking on his cellphone while getting into a black Cadillac] I've been doing this for ten years, Bob, we said ten percent. No, we said ten percent. yeah, well it makes the world go round doesn't it, Bob? just get me the ten percent, will ya, man? thanks [sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose ]
Nick:
[unoticed by Louis] Can I get you anything, sir?
Louis Connelly:
Do you know any hitmen?
Nick:
I know a bass player. Might be able to help you out. Likes to get into fights with lead singers.
Louis Connelly:
[freezes] Nick? What're you doing here, man?
Nick:
Still drivin', payin' off those weddin' bills from last year.
Louis Connelly:
Oh, fair play to ya, oh, she's a nice girl.
Nick:
So you playin' at all?
Louis Connelly:
Nope.
Nick:
why the hell not? your fingers fall off?
Louis Connelly:
Well you move on. Have you seen the lads lately?
Nick:
Ah, we still mess around, but the Connelly Brothers never really bounced back minus one brother.
Louis Connelly:
Have you seen Marshall lately?
Nick:
Have you? [Louis doesn't reply so nick changes the subject]
Nick:
It's my birthday on Saturday, the session's at my place. Come, bring you're girlfriend! It's great seeing you man, remind me of New York, the good old days, eh?
Caryl Kellogg:
What's with the balloons? It's not one of my kids' birthday is it?
Barb Ballantine:
No, time to roll out the cul-de-sac welcome wagon. We have new neighbors moving into the old Wagner house.
Marilyn Larson:
Oh, man, the Wagners! Now that was a great divorce.
Caryl Kellogg:
You knew the end was near when he and his secretary started taking Lamaze classes together.
Marilyn Larson:
Well, his wife was no angel herself. Remember every Friday the pool man would come over exactly at 3:00?
Caryl Kellogg:
that's right! In those tight, tight shorts on that even tighter butt? What ever happened to him?
Marilyn Larson:
He hurt his back giving her horsey rides in the deep end.
Marilyn Larson:
See, you're lucky. Your kitchen window faces north. Me, all I ever get to see is old man Kelly hiding whiskey bottles in his koi pond.
Barb Ballantine:
Ladies, ladies, must you diminish yourselves with idle gossip?
Marilyn Larson:
Sure!
Caryl Kellogg:
It's fun.
Barb Ballantine:
It's an invasion of privacy. And so often the facts are wrong. For instance, Mr. Kelly isn't hiding whiskey bottles, it's vodka. And they're not koi, they're goldfish. It's a common mistake. And as for the Wagners, he wasn't having an affair with his secretary, it was his receptionist. And as far as Mrs. Wagner and the pool man, yes, she was doing him.
[Lucy is talking into a microphone onstage at the restaurant]
Lucy Owens:
My family's here tonight sitting at that table over there. Were celebrating my mum's birthday today. We all love you, Peggy Owens! And, there's a man down there in my crowd called Adam and he's my fella. And I know my mum's mad about him. So I thought the best present I could give my mum would be to say that him and I are going to get married. [Crowd starts cheering loudly]
Lucy Owens:
Oh, wait! No, no, no! No, no! Wait, wait, wait! You see, I haven't asked him yet. So, Adam, I'm asking you now. Will you marry me?
Adam:
I'd love to!
Senator Dupree:
Mr. Naylor, there's no need for theatrics.
Nick Naylor:
I'm sorry. I just don't see the point in a warning label for something people already know.
Senator Dupree:
The warning symbol is a reminder, a reminder of the dangers of smoking cigarettes.
Nick Naylor:
Well, if we want to remind people of danger why don't we slap a skull and crossbones on all Boeing airplanes, Senator Lothridge. And all Fords, Senator Dupree.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre:
That is ridiculous. The death toll from airline and automobile accidents doesn't even skim the surface cigarettes. They don't even compare.
Nick Naylor:
Oh, this from a Senator who calls Vermont home.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre:
I don't follow you, Mr. Naylor.
Nick Naylor:
Well, the real demonstrated #1 killer in America is cholesterol. And here comes Senator Finistirre whose fine state is, I regret to say, clogging the nation's arteries with Vermont Cheddar Cheese. If we want to talk numbers, how about the millions of people dying of heart attacks? Perhaps Vermont Cheddar should come with a skull and crossbones.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre:
That is lu - . The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!
Senator Lothridge:
Mr. Naylor, we are here to discuss cigarettes - not planes, not cars - cigarettes. Now as we discussed earlier these warning labels are not for those who know but rather for those who don't know. What about the children?
Nick Naylor:
Gentlemen, it's called education. It doesn't come off the side of a cigarette carton. it comes from our teachers, and more importantly our parents. It is the job of every parent to warn their children of all the dangers of the world, including cigarettes, so that one day when they get older they can choose for themselves. I look at my son who was kind enough to come with me today, and I can't help but think that I am responsible for his growth and his development. And I'm proud of that.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre:
Well, having said that, would you condone him smoking?
Nick Naylor:
Well, of course not. He's not 18. That would be illegal.
Senator Ortolan Finistirre:
Yes, I've heard you deliver that line on 20/20, but enough dancing. What are you going to do when he turns 18? C'mon, Mr. Naylor. On his 18th birthday will you share a cigarette with him? Will you spend a lovely afternoon - like one of your ludicrous cigarette advertisements? You seem to have to have a lot to say about how we should raise our children. What of your own? What are you going to do when he turns 18?
Nick Naylor:
If he really wants a cigarette. I'll buy him his first pack.
[Frank is doing his routine for a group of cops]
Frank Milo:
My friend, Phil, he wants to join the police department. He goes to the station, and starts filling out the application. They ask him, "Mr. Scarangello, how tall are you?" And he looks at his right hand and says, "Uh, five foot ten." And they ask him, "how much do you weigh?" And he looks at his other hand, and says, "Two hundred and three pounds." So then they ask, "Okay, and what's your first name?" He goes... [bobs his head from side to side, then]
Frank Milo:
"Philly." They ask him, "what are you doing with your head there?" He goes... [bobbing]
Frank Milo:
"Happy Birthday to me, Happy birthday to me...? [laughter]
Zoë:
So what's your story, Abernathy?
Abernathy:
I had a set crush on Cecil.
Kim:
Set crush? Nigga please, you were his set wife.
Abernathy:
Were and Had being the key words here.
Kim:
Bitch, you two are still into each other, and you know it.
Abernathy:
Oh yeah? If he's still into me, then why did he fuck Darryl Hannah's stand in? Yes, men are dogs, oh it's so funny, oh it's so funny!
Kim:
Oh, stop acting all hurt, your ass is just mad.
Abernathy:
Yeah, he's a stand in fucker.
Kim:
Bitch, you need to get over that shit, that was two weeks ago.
Abernathy:
Oh, well now when you put it like that. Oh I haven't told you the best part, he fucked her on my birthday.
Zoë:
Oh, that's a horse of a different color.
Abernathy:
Thank you.
Zoë:
Did he know it was your birthday? I mean, he's the director, he's kinda busy.
Abernathy:
He ate a piece of my birthday cake, and he got me a present. Yeah, I think he knew.
Zoë:
What'd he get you?
Abernathy:
He made me a tape.
Lee:
He made you a tape? Wait, he didn't burn you a CD, he made you a tape? Oh, it's so romantic.
Abernathy:
I know what you're gonna say so don't even go there.
Kim:
That sounds like the test of true love to me.
Abernathy:
Look, I know you guys like him, he's likeable... but he fucked another woman on my birthday. How can you not be on my side?
Zoë:
Well, I admit, that sounds bad.
Abernathy:
It is bad!
Zoë:
It just sounds like there's a little more to it than that. Were you two fucking?
Kim:
Hell no!
Abernathy:
Hello, is your name Abernathy?
