[at a seminar, Charlie Kaufman has asked McKee for advice on his new screenplay in which 'nothing much happens']
Robert McKee:
Nothing happens in the world? Are you out of your fucking mind? People are murdered every day. There's genocide, war, corruption. Every fucking day, somewhere in the world, somebody sacrifices his life to save someone else. Every fucking day, someone, somewhere takes a conscious decision to destroy someone else. People find love, people lose it. For Christ's sake, a child watches her mother beaten to death on the steps of a church. Someone goes hungry. Somebody else betrays his best friend for a woman. If you can't find that stuff in life, then you, my friend, don't know crap about life! And why the FUCK are you wasting my two precious hours with your movie? I don't have any use for it! I don't have any bloody use for it!
Charlie Kaufman:
Okay, thanks.
Schoolteacher:
Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?
10-year-old Ricky:
No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he's out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves. [classmates laugh at what Ricky said]
Schoolteacher:
Okay, kids, that's enough. Were gonna move on to Brennan.
10-Year-Old Cal:
Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.
10-year-old Ricky:
Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.
Christian:
Look, if there's a problem, I could come back.
Elder Aaron Davis:
Look, maybe I'm just homesick.
Christian:
Homesick? For Idaho?
Elder Aaron Davis:
Okay, fine, but...
Christian:
I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I'm... It's just... When I left home, it was just 'zoom', like a rocket. But if you've never been away from home before... Have you?
Elder Aaron Davis:
What? I've been away from home, just not for two whole years.
Christian:
[in an English accent] 'Could be worse, could be raining.'
Elder Aaron Davis:
That's Young Frankenstein.
Christian:
Yeah. So two years, huh?
Elder Aaron Davis:
Yeah. We're not allowed to call or go home in the holidays and they're not allowed to visit.
Christian:
Wow, where do I sign up?
Elder Aaron Davis:
Hey. Happen to like my family. 'After all, a boy's best friend is his mother.'
Christian:
[confused for a while, then gets it] Psycho, that's Psycho, right? 'She goes a bit mad sometimes. We all go a bit mad sometimes.' [Aaron laughs]
Christian:
Least you got your friends here, right?
Elder Aaron Davis:
What, Ryder? No. We just got assigned to each other a few weeks ago.
Christian:
Oh. Well, better you than me.
Stu Price:
[playing piano and singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, [stops suddenly]
Stu Price:
well then we're shit out of luck.
Bartleby:
You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
Loki:
In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby:
Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly. [sees the female board member]
Bartleby:
You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud. [whispers something in Whitland's ear]
Loki:
You're his father, you sick fuck. [Whitland starts crying]
Frank Horrigan:
I know who you are - Leary.
Mitch Leary:
I'm glad, Frank. Friends should be able to call each other by name.
Frank Horrigan:
We're not friends.
Mitch Leary:
Sure we are.
Frank Horrigan:
I've seen what you do to friends.
Mitch Leary:
What's that supposed to mean?
Frank Horrigan:
You slit your friend's throat.
Mitch Leary:
You talked to Coppinger, Frank?
Frank Horrigan:
Yeah, that's right.
Mitch Leary:
Did you delouse? The man's a professional liar.
Frank Horrigan:
I saw the photos.
Mitch Leary:
No, you saw what he wanted you to see, Frank.
Frank Horrigan:
I saw a picture of, uh, your friend lying on the floor with his throat cut.
Mitch Leary:
What you didn't see, Frank, what you couldn't possibly know, is: they sent my best friend - my comrade in arms - to my home to kill me!
Kristy Thomas:
Hi, I'm Kristy. I'm the founding member of the baby-sitters club. I don't mean to brag or anything but we're famous, here in Stoneybrook. Everybody knows us. That's because everybody uses us. You call one number, and get connected with seven incredible baby-sitters. This is Stacey, she's our club treasurer. She's good at keeping track of money, she's also good at spending it. Stace was raised in New York City. Sometimes she thinks she still lives there. That's Mary-Ann. When we were little, we used to live next door to each other. She's kind of quiet, kind of serious. Why are we friends? They say opposites attract. Dawn's Mary-Ann's step-sister. She grew up in California. Dawn really cares about the environment. Her biggest regret is that she wasn't born on earth day. Claudia's an amazing artist. She's REALLY talented. I mean, do you anybody who can take a fourk and a hammer and turn it into... That? And of course Mallory, she's a junior member of the club. She started her novel when she turned eleven and is determined to finish it by the time she's eleven and a half. Jesse's Mallory's best friend and another junior member of the club. Jesse's motto is ''Why walks when you can dance?''. You know, we're more than just a club. We're friends. Best friends. Nothing could ever change that.
Oliver Queenan:
We have a question: Do you want to be a cop, or do you want to appear to be a cop? It's an honest question. A lot of guys just want to appear to be cops. Gun, badge, pretend they're on TV.
Dignam:
Yeah, a lot of people just wanna slam a nigger's head through a plate-glass window.
Billy Costigan:
I'm all set without your own personal job application. Alright, Sergeant?
Dignam:
What the fuck did you say to me, trainee?
Billy Costigan:
[to Queenan] With all due respect, sir, what do you want from me?
Dignam:
Hey asshole, he can't help you! I know what you are, okay? I know what you are and I know what you are not. I'm the best friend you have on the face of this earth, and I'm gonna help you understand something, you punk. You're no fuckin' cop!
