The Coroner:
On gross pathology, we have a female Caucasian between sixteen and thirty. The cadaver is presented in two halves with bisection level with the umbilicus. Through and through lacerations of both mouth corners. No visible bruising on the neck. Rectangular abrasions on the wing tips of the sphenoid bones. And, oh! A puncture wound, here, in the palm. On the palm of the right hand. Investigation of upper half abdominal cavity reveals no free-flowing blood. Intestines, stomach, spleen, liver - all removed.
Russ Millard:
Is it all right to smoke, doctor?
The Coroner:
She won't mind. Lower half of cadaver reveals removal of all reproductive organs. Both legs broken at the knee. Questions?
Russ Millard:
What's your best guess?
The Coroner:
Well, here's what she wasn't - she wasn't raped and she wasn't pregnant. In terms of the nitty gritty, the cause of death is either the mouth wound here or she was beaten to death with something like a baseball bat.
Lee Blanchard:
What about her insides?
The Coroner:
They came out posthumously. I'd say then he drained the blood from the body and washed it clean, probably in a bathtub.
Jimmy Dugan:
Taking a little day trip?
Dottie Hinson:
No, Bob and I are driving home. To Oregon.
Jimmy Dugan:
[long pause] You know, I really thought you were a ballplayer.
Dottie Hinson:
Well, you were wrong.
Jimmy Dugan:
Was I?
Dottie Hinson:
Yeah. It is only a game, Jimmy. It's only a game, and, and, I don't need this. I have Bob; I don't need this. At all.
Jimmy Dugan:
I, I gave away five years at the end my career to drink. Five years. And now there isn't anything I wouldn't give to get back any one day of it.
Dottie Hinson:
Well, we're different.
Jimmy Dugan:
Shit, Dottie, if you want to go back to Oregon and make a hundred babies, great, I'm in no position to tell anyone how to live. But sneaking out like this, quitting, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Baseball is what gets inside you. It's what lights you up, you can't deny that.
Dottie Hinson:
It just got too hard.
Jimmy Dugan:
It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great.
Conor O'Neill:
Good morning. Um, Gerius was a player on the Kekemas baseball team I coach. Honestly he, uh, he was too young to play. But he wanted to be a part of the team so badly, I couldn't say no. He had a great smile too though I'm not telling you anything you don't know. He was a really tough guy. Just a boy really who, uh, wanted to be around his older brother. The other day we played a really important game against a good team. And two outs in the last inning, I had no choice but to let Gerius bat. He was fearless as he stepped to the plate. I was terrified for him. With two strikes and our hopes dwindling, he hit a shot down the first base line. He won the game. And watching him raise his arms in triumph as he ran to first base, I swear I was lifted in that moment to a better place. I swear he, uh, he lifted the world in that moment. He made me a better person, even if just for that moment. I am, uh, forever grateful to Gerius for that.
[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]
Radar Operator:
Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel:
What is it, son?
Radar Operator:
I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot:
Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot:
Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman:
Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man:
[raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman:
Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant:
Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire:
Two balls. [looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire:
What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher:
Wang. pay attention.
Wang:
I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician:
Willie.
Willie:
Yeah?
Musician:
What's that?
Willie:
[squints] Well, that looks like a huge...
Colonel:
Johnson.
Radar Operator:
Yes, sir?
Colonel:
Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
[Casper sitting on his old sled, takes his baseball cap off]
Casper:
I begged and begged my dad to give me this sled, but he acted like I couldn't even have it, because I didn't know how to ride it. But then one morning, I came down for breakfast and there it was, just for me, for no reason at all. I took it out, went sledding all day. And my dad said "that's enough" but I couldn't stop, I was having so much fun It got late, got dark, got cold...and I got sick, and my dad got sad.
Kat:
What's it like to die?
Casper:
Like... being born, only backwards. I remember, I didn't go where I was supposed to go. I just stayed behind, so my dad wouldn't be lonely.
George Carlin:
Human beings will do anything, anything. I am convinced. That's why when all those beheadings started in Iraq, it didn't bother me. A lot of people here were horrified, "Whaaaa, beheadings! Beheadings!" What, are you fucking surprised? Just one more form of extreme human behavior. Besides, who cares about some mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma who gets his head cut off? Fuck 'em. Hey Jack, you don't want to get your head cut off? Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. They ain't cuttin' off heads in Oklahoma, far as I know. But I do know this: you strap on a gun and go struttin' around some other man's country, you'd better be ready for some action, Jack. People are touchy about that sort of thing. And let me ask you this... this is a moral question, not rhetorical, I'm looking for the answer: what is the moral difference between cuttin' off one guy's head, or two, or three, or five, or ten - and dropping a big bomb on a hospital and killing a whole bunch of sick kids? Has anybody in authority given you an explanation of the difference? Now, in case you're wondering why I have a certain interest, or fascination let's call it, with torture and beheadings and all of those things I have mentioned, is because each of these items reminds me in life over and over again what beasts we human beings really are. When you get right down to it, human beings are nothing more than ordinary jungle beasts. Savages. No different from the Cro Magnon people who lived twenty five thousand years ago. No different. Our DNA hasn't changed substantially in a hundred thousand years. We're still operating out of the lower brain. The reptilian brain. Fight or flight. Kill or be killed. We like to think we've evolved and advanced because we can build a computer, fly an airplane, travel underwater, we can write a sonnet, paint a painting, compose an opera. But you know something? We're barely out of the jungle on this planet. Barely out of the fucking jungle. What we are, is semi-civilized beasts, with baseball caps and automatic weapons.
Judy, aka Girl 6:
Baby, let me tell you something. You can continue to live in your little fantasy world with your baseball cards and the autographed bullshit or whatever the fuck is it you do, but me, I got to eat and pay the rent. Phone sex is acting, and if you don't like it, you can step.
Jimmy:
Fuck you, you know, at least I got Willie Mays and Hank Aaron's autograph on a baseball card, you know, they're in the hall of fame.
Metatron:
[Bethany hears a noise in her closet at night. She reaches under her bed and pulls out a baseball bat. Flames suddenly erupt in the middle of the room] Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. [Bethany runs to her closet, pulls out a fire extinguisher]
Metatron:
Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true G - [Bethany douses the fire]
Metatron:
Oh, G - [Metatron coughs repeatedly and emerges from the smoke as Bethany rushes back to the bed and grabs the bat again]
Metatron:
Agh! Sweet Jesus, did you have to use the whole can?
Bethany:
[brandishing the bat] Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?
Metatron:
I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid fucking... Christ...
Bethany:
Get the fuck out of here! NOW!
Metatron:
Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that ffffffish? [Bethany realizes she's holding a large fish, and drops it in shock]
Metatron:
Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... look at my suit!
Bethany:
Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.
Metatron:
Oh, get over it, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped. [he drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be]
Metatron:
See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you? [Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry]
Metatron:
Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.
Bethany:
What are you?
Metatron:
I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.
[first lines]
Silent Bob's Mother:
Bobby Boy, stay here while mommy picks up the free cheese, kay? Here, this will keep the sun out of your eyes. [puts a baseball cap on his head backwards]
Silent Bob's Mother:
You be good, now. [walks in store, then Jay and his Mom arrive]
Jay's Mother:
Alright, don't you fuckin' move you little shit machine. Your Momma's going to try to score.
Passerby:
What the hell? 'Scuse me. Who's watching these babies?
Jay's Mother:
Uh... the fat one's watchin the little one?
Passerby:
Oh yeah, nice parenting. Leave 'em out here like that and see what happens.
Jay's Mother:
YO, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING SQUARE!
Passerby:
Oh yeah, keep on truckin'!
Jay's Mother:
[to infant Jay] Did ya hear that fuckin' guy tellin' me how to fuckin' raise ya? What a motherfucker, man! Who the fuck does that fuckin' guy think he is? What's the worst fuckin' thing that can fuckin' happen to ya just standing outside a fuckin' store, right? Fuck! [Jay's mother walks into the record store, leaving infant Jay and Silent Bob in their strollers]
Baby Jay:
[his first words] Fuck... fuck... fuck... fuck...
Larry Joseph Burrows:
How can my life change so much just because I hit one stinking baseball?
Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
Well, you see Larry, one's destiny is a very complicated thing. Every incident in a person's life affects everything else that follows it. Instead of missing the baseball, however, you hit it. Then you became a hero, married the prom queen, and so on, and so forth, until you find yourself exactly where you are. So you see, hitting that baseball has spun your life off in an entirely new direction.
Larry Joseph Burrows:
Are you an angel or something?
Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
Not exactly, no.
Larry Joseph Burrows:
Then what are you?
Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
Have you ever been faced with a decision, and you weren't sure what to do?
Larry Joseph Burrows:
Yeah, sure, plenty of times.
Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
And then something inside you made you choose one direction over another?
Larry Joseph Burrows:
Yeah. So?
Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
So that's me. I make the suggestions, and you make the choices. That's how destiny works, Larry - very subtly. Welcome to your new life, Larry. I hope you like it.
Captain Miller:
I'm a schoolteacher. I teach English composition... in this little town called Adley, Pennsylvania. The last eleven years, I've been at Thomas Alva Edison High School. I was a coach of the baseball team in the springtime. Back home, I tell people what I do for a living and they think well, now that figures. But over here, it's a big, a big mystery. So, I guess I've changed some. Sometimes I wonder if I've changed so much my wife is even going to recognize me, whenever it is that I get back to her. And how I'll ever be able to tell her about days like today. Ah, Ryan. I don't know anything about Ryan. I don't care. The man means nothing to me. It's just a name. But if... You know if going to Rumelle and finding him so that he can go home. If that earns me the right to get back to my wife, then that's my mission. [to Private Reiben]
Captain Miller:
You want to leave? You want to go off and fight the war? All right. All right. I won't stop you. I'll even put in the paperwork. I just know that every man I kill the farther away from home I feel.
