Billy Hill:
Well, I ain't gonna shit ya, pal. When I leave here today, you're gonna be dead as Cinderella over there. Regardless of what you tell me, I'm gonna fuck you up. [opens his bag and takes out a battery-powered circular saw]
Billy Hill:
[turns on the saw and holds it in front of Casey's face] YOU READY TO GET STARTED?
Billy Hill:
[turns off the saw] I know you threw out the smack. And you probly don't know where the money is, neither. That's cool. Tho the truth is... I ain't got nothin' better to do, while I wait here for my old friend Nick.
Billy Hill:
[reaching in his bag] Just so you know, I ain't gonna let you bleed to death.
Billy Hill:
[takes out a blow-torch] No, sir. Cuz when I cut you...
Billy Hill:
[turns on the blow-torch] I'm gonna cauterize it. I consider myself an artist. Matter of fact, I picked up this little girl at this club one time... and I cut on her for 16 hours. That's a personal best, but... I keep hoping...
Billy Hill:
[turns on the saw] Alright, now, let's see. I think I'm gonna start at the feet, AND WORK MY WAY UP!
Charlie Fineman:
[Charlie looks at Alan] I had three daughters.
Alan Johnson:
[surprised] I... I know.
Charlie Fineman:
Geena was five. Jenny was seven, she, uh... she liked boys already. Julie was 9. She was... she was older. They all looked alike, Johnson. Like Doreen. Doreen was my wife. DT. That was her nickname. Doreen Timpleman. She had a dog, Spider. Spider... the poodle. They'd wake me up all the time, Saturday mornings, you know, singing Beatles songs to me in harmony, the four of them... so cute, so cute. Doreen never judged me... never nagged like some wives do. Wanted me to take my shoes off so I didn't wreck the carpet. That's it. Doreen and the girls were VERY female. I... I... I was the oddball, you know. Mr. Man. They adored me, Johnson...
Alan Johnson:
I bet they did... I know they did, Charlie.
Charlie Fineman:
With the long brown hair... except little Geena. She kept the hair short... to be different from everybody... she, um, she had a birthmark, though. Looked like a burn... but it wasn't. She always said it was gonna go away, but it... it never did. Jenny, Jenny, this one... she wanted to be a gymnast. She was such a klutz, though. I didn't have the heart to mention it as a problem. They, uh, went to see Doreen's sister Ellen and her girls in Boston, and they took Spider, because... I had to work and they didn't trust me to feed her, but that was a joke. We were all going to DT's little cousin's wedding in Los Angeles, and I was gonna meet them out there... The kids wanted to go to Disneyland, but they... they uh, were already gonna miss a couple days of school, so we had to say no. You know. So I'm going out to meet them in Los Angeles, and on the way to JFK, I'm in a taxicab and I hear on the radio... [slowly starts to cry]
Charlie Fineman:
I get there and the man tells me the plane's from Boston... another man tells me there's two planes. [sobs]
Charlie Fineman:
Then I go inside the airport and I'm watching. I'm watching on the television... and I... and I... I... I saw it. I saw it and I felt it at the same time. I thought about Geena's birthmark, and I... I felt them burning...
Mrs. Clack:
[Edward Walker tells the group he has sent Ivy to the towns to fetch medicines] What have you done?
Edward Walker:
He is the victim of a crime.
Mrs. Clack:
We have agreed never to go back. Never
Edward Walker:
What was the purpose of our leaving? Don't forget, it was out of hope of something good and right.
Robert Percy:
You should not have made decisions without us!
Edward Walker:
I'm guilty, Robert! I made a decision of a heart, I cannot look into another's eyes and see the same look I see in August's without justification! It is too painful, I cannot bear it!
Mrs. Clack:
You have jeopardized everything we have made.
Edward Walker:
Who do you think will continue this place, this life? Do you plan to live forever? It is in them that our future lies, it is in Ivy and Lucius that this way of life will continue. Yes I have risked, I hope I am always able to risk everything for the just and right cause. If we did not make this decision, we could never again call ourselves innocent, and that in the end is what we have protected here, innocence! That I'm not ready to give up.
August Nicholson:
Let her go. If it ends, it ends. We can move towards hope, that's what's beautiful about this place. We cannot run from heartache. My brother was slain in the towns, the rest of my family died here. Heartache is a part of life, we know that now. Ivy is running toward hope, let her run. If this place is worthy, she'll be successful in her quest.
Mrs. Clack:
How could you have sent her. She is blind.
Edward Walker:
She is more capable than most in this village. And she is led by love. The world moves for love. It kneels before it in awe.
Sara:
You shouldn't sit on that wall. It's dirty and there's germs and you could get sick.
Christopher:
Yeah, well, I wish I would get sick. I wish I would catch some horrible disease and *die*. My chest hurts. My heart feels like it's shrinking into a little raisin. A little raisinette.
Sara:
Well, you *may* have a chance with Isabelle.
Christopher:
What are you talking about? She dropped the flowers and then she said she wasn't interested...
Sara:
Don't be a dummy. When a girl says she's *not* interested, it means she really *is* interested.
Christopher:
Well, I mean, what should I do? I'll do anything. I mean I'll, I'll come to the school until I'm too old to walk. I'll, like, buy her a million flowers -
Sara:
Woahhh, flowers are good, but there's a little issue with the boyfriend.
Christopher:
[shrugs] I'll kill him.
Happy Gilmore:
[Having a bad day of golfing due to a member of the crowd] That guy's driving me *crazy*!
Bob Barker:
You know what's driving *me* crazy? You, not getting the ball in the hole.
Happy Gilmore:
Don't push me, Bob! Now's not the time. [Happy hits the ball, which hits a man standing on a boat, who then falls into the water]
Bob Barker:
This guy sucks!
Announcer:
We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play *this* badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead-last.
Bob Barker:
I can't *believe* you're a professional golfer! I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore:
[Angrily, with teeth clenched] You better relax, Bob.
Bob Barker:
There is *no* way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf!
Happy Gilmore:
Alright, let's go! [Happy throws down his club and punches Bob in the face, who falls to the ground]
Happy Gilmore:
You like that, old man? You want a piece of me?
Bob Barker:
[Shaking his head as he gets up] I don't want a *piece* of you, I want the *whole thing*! [Punches Happy in the gut, then proceeds to punch him in the face ten times, sending Happy falling into a pond]
Happy Gilmore:
[Happy gets out] Now you're gonna get it, Bobby! [Happy grabs his club and swings at Bob, who blocks, punches Happy in the face, then throws him to the ground. Happy tackles Bob, resulting in both of them rolling down a hill. At the bottom, Happy headbutts Bob]
Happy Gilmore:
The price is *wrong*, bitch!
Bob Barker:
[Bob grabs Happy's throat, opens his eyes with a menacing look, stands up, punches Happy in the gut twice, and once in the face before Happy falls down again] I think you've had enough. [Starts to walk away, but notices Happy start to stand up again]
Bob Barker:
No? [Kicks Happy in the face]
Bob Barker:
*Now* you've had enough... bitch.
Harry:
[Yelling up to Kevin] Sonny. Nothing would make me happier than to kill you. Knockin' off a youngster doesn't mean a lot to me. But, since we're in a hurry, I'll make a deal with you. Throw down your camera, and we won't hurt you, you'll never hear from us again.
Kevin McCallister:
You Promise?
Harry:
[Rubbing his chest with his finger] I cross my heart and hope to die.
Kevin McCallister:
Okay. [Then Kevin picks up a brick and tosses it down, hitting Marv in the forehead and Marv collapses to the ground]
Harry:
[Holding up 3 fingers] How many fingers am I holding up, Marv?
Marv:
[Dazed] Uh, 8.
Harry:
[to Kevin] You wanna throw bricks, go ahead throw another one. [Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv in the forehead again]
Harry:
If you can't do any better than that kid, you're gonna lose. [Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv in the forehead again]
Harry:
You got anymore? [to Marv]
Harry:
C'mon Marv, get up, he's outta bricks. [Marv points up and makes incoherent noises, signaling that Kevin is about to throw another brick]
Harry:
What? [Kevin throws the brick, and once again hits Marv in the forehead]
Harry:
C'mon Marv get up, nobody throws bricks at me and gets away with it. [to Marv]
Harry:
go in the front, I'm going around the back.
Marv:
[Still Dazed] Harry. Harry. Harry.
Rubin Feldman:
I wouldn't wanna be a zombie. I guess that's why I have a little bit of a trepidation as they say about making the movie because I'm so sensitive and my heart is so big that when, you know, I see a zombie movie I think, you know, god that would really suck. You know, you're dead, and you come back to life, and you're sitting there on the mall floor and you're tearing up some motorcycle guy's guts and eating him, you know, this is not a life, this is not a living. So I feel for the zombies, that's why it's a little bit weird - I have to put distance between me and the actual zombies. And in that sense I guess it is a love story.
Mindy:
Look, kay? He assaulted the customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.
Officer Slater:
So, how how, how...
Officer Michaels:
Say when, height wise...
Officer Slater:
I'm gonna start up here.
Officer Michaels:
I'm gonna start from the buttom...
Mindy:
Whatever 5'10 is, he was 5'10.
Officer Slater:
E-ethnicly, I mean, did, what, uhhm. I mean, wa-was he, like u-us or...
Mindy:
A woman? A female, is that what you're asking?
Officer Slater:
No, I would say...
Officer Michaels:
Was he...
Officer Slater:
Was he African?
Mindy:
Was he African? No, he was American. And he was like you. He looked just like you.
Officer Michaels:
He was Jewish! An odd crime for a Jew to commit. Ok, so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie...
Mindy:
No. You don't. No, that's not what I said. Is that what you heard me say? I said he looked like you. Do you look like an African Jew?
Officer Michaels:
No, I look like a cop.
Mindy:
He was caucasian.
Officer Michaels:
Caucasian...
Officer Slater:
Oh...
Mindy:
Kinda looked like Eminem.
Officer Michaels:
Ah, an M&M...
Officer Slater:
M&M, so he was like circular...
Mindy:
Marshall Mathers. Eminem, the rapper, Eminem.
Officer Michaels:
He looked like this? I'm a amateur.
Officer Slater:
'Cause that kinda looks like an M&M.
Officer Michaels:
Longer face? Bigger nose? Would you say his mouth was wider? Open? A gap?
Izzie:
[sung to the tune of "Isn't it Ironic" by Alanis Morissette] "It's so hot. Must be 98. For December, that's not so great. While the North Pole is turning to slush, on my TV, there's President Bush. And isn't he moronic? Don't you think? Incredibly moronic. And yes I really do think."
Izzie and her back up singers:
[sung to the tune of "Isn't it Ironic" by Alanis Morisette] "He's a pa-a-in, in the whole world's ass. He'd stab his mom, for a gallon of gas. How can it be, we voted him in? I just don't see how, it figures."
Izzie:
[sung to the tune of "Isn't it Ironic" by Alanis Morissette] "A pop star, who went on TV. Tells the whole world, 'Kids sleep here with me'. A mother says to her son, 'Neverland Ranch will be lots of fun'. And isn't she moronic? Don't you think? Incredibly moronic. And yes I really do think."
Izzie and her back up singers:
[sung to the tune of "Isn't it Ironic" by Alanis Morissette] "It's so la-a-ame, what goes on in her head. Do you think it's smart to loan him your kid? He won't like them when they're bigger."
Smart Tech Customer:
This shit just got real!
Jay:
What are you gonna do, bitch?
Smart Tech Customer:
I'll tell you what. You know Luca Perry from 20th and 25th?
Jay:
You ever heard of rolling twenties, nigga? Since I was sixteen, nigga, I'm saying "frosty." You know what I'm saying? "Spoon", nigga. We fucked dwarves in the ass!
Smart Tech Customer:
Nigga, this dwarf here don't got to be tall to pull a trigger off in somebody face!
Andy Stitzer:
[walks up quickly] Good afternoon! Good afternoon! Welcome to Smart Tech. What can I help you with?
Smart Tech Customer:
[points at Jay] Is this your boy?
Jay:
Yeah, nigga, we will both mash you! What? What? Where you at?
Andy Stitzer:
Hey, how can we help you, sir?
Jay:
No, no, he don't need no help! He's already been served. I served him. He's taken care of. He's a little slow, but he got it. See, what he thought was he can come up here and make the rules. But now, he see that Jay make the rules at Smart Tech, that I run this bitch, and now he 'bout to bounce!
Smart Tech Customer:
This your boy?
Jay:
Yeah, nigga, that's my boy. We rep the same Smart Tech.
Smart Tech Customer:
[points at Andy] You just got fucked up with him. Both ya'll niggas gonna get clapped up when I get back. [pretends to shoot two guns at them]
Smart Tech Customer:
Both ya'll niggas!
Andy Stitzer:
What? What did I do?
Smart Tech Customer:
It don't fucking matter!
Jay:
Yeah, well, aim high, Willis. Aim high!
Pita:
Creasy [pause]
Pita:
You're smiling.
Creasy:
What?
Pita:
You were smiling.
Creasy:
No, I'm not.
Pita:
You were.
Creasy:
No, I was not.
Pita:
You're not now, but you were.
Creasy:
No, *you* were smiling, I wasn't smiling.
Pita:
You were.
Creasy:
When?
Pita:
Like, five seconds ago.
Creasy:
I'm not smiling.
Pita:
Well, a second ago you were.
Creasy:
No, you said five seconds ago, now that's six. Six seconds ago I was not smiling.
Pita:
Okay, 10 seconds ago.
Creasy:
10 seconds ago, I was smiling. Okay, in the next 10 seconds let's see who smiles first. [pause]
Creasy:
You smiled already. See? You did.
Pita:
Mmm. [pointing at Creasy]
Creasy:
No, that wasn't a - That was a smirk, that's not a smile. A smirk is different. They both start with "S," but they're not the same - Do your homework.
Pita:
[Creasy walks away] You were.
Nick Parker:
Hal, come here. We have to talk
Annie as Hallie:
Okay shoot.
Nick Parker:
Okay, honey... I want to know what you think about making Meredith part of the family?
Annie as Hallie:
Part of our family?
Nick Parker:
Yeah.
Annie as Hallie:
I think it's an awesome idea. Inspired. Brilliant really.
Nick Parker:
You do? Really? You do?
Annie as Hallie:
Totally, it's like a dream come true. I've always wanted a big sister.
Nick Parker:
Oh... um... Honey, I'm think you're kind of missing the point.
Annie as Hallie:
No, I'm not. You're gonna adopt Meredith. That is so sweet, Dad.
Nick Parker:
No, I'm not going to adopt her. I'm going to MARRY her.
Annie as Hallie:
[leaps from her seat] Marry her? That's insane! How can you marry a woman young enough to be my big sister? [she begins to rant, accidentally yelling in French]
Annie as Hallie:
Mais tu plaisantes, j'espère. Meredith, ce n'est pas une fille pour toi. Mais c'est pas possible, je rêve. Qu'est-ce qui...
Nick Parker:
Hal, Hal, Hal. Calm down, Hal! [realizes]
Nick Parker:
Are you speaking French?
Annie as Hallie:
I... I learned it at camp. [takes a breath]
Annie as Hallie:
Ok, I'm sorry. Let's discuss this calmly. Calmly and rationally.
Nick Parker:
Yeah and in English if you don't mind, right?
Annie as Hallie:
Okay.
Nick Parker:
Sweetheart what has gotten into you?
Annie as Hallie:
Nothing, nothing, just... just... Dad, you can't get married! It'll totally ruin completely everything! [she runs from the house]
Nick Parker:
Hal! Hal! Hallie! [he looks to Chessy, who appears at a window]
Chessy, the Parker's Maid:
Don't look at me. I don't know a thing. [she closes the windows]
