Lateesha Rodriguez:
Now, as a blactino woman, I believe we deserve our own race category to forge an identity, Jerry. That's how I feel.
Jerry Springer:
Did you just say "blactino"?
Lateesha Rodriguez:
Yes, I did. I'm a blactino-American.
Chinegro Woman:
Wow. Uh, first of all... first of all, you don't even look latino. You look black. You're... You're black. Second of all, I'm of mixed race, and I've struggled my whole life as to whether I'm Chinese or whether I'm black.
Lateesha Rodriguez:
Chinegro! What you are is chinegro!
Chinegro Woman:
Chinegro?
Lateesha Rodriguez:
Chinegro! There you go!
Chinegro Woman:
Chinegro?
Lateesha Rodriguez:
You are a chinegro!
Chinegro Woman:
What the [bleep]
Chinegro Woman:
is chinegro?
Lateesha Rodriguez:
That's what you are! Chinegro is you!
Chinegro Woman:
That's some bulls... [bleep]
Chinegro Woman:
.
Jerry Springer:
OK, as I understand it, you brought a mixed-race flow chart with you. Why don't we bring that out? [Crowd shouting and booing]
Lateesha Rodriguez:
[to a random heckler] How you doin', sugar? All right. I'm gonna call you later. Mwah. All right. [Crowd laughs]
Lateesha Rodriguez:
Take a look at this... [she unveils the chart]
Lateesha Rodriguez:
Blactino, blackasian, hispasian, OK? Now, for the Asian subcategories, [to the Chinegro woman]
Lateesha Rodriguez:
I got you, sister. We have chinegro right here. That's you. Chinegro.
Chinegro Woman:
That's not a word! That's not a word!
Lateesha Rodriguez:
Yes, it is, sister. We have koreagro. Japegro, OK? [Crowd laughs]
Lateesha Rodriguez:
Chispanic, koreaspanic, and last but not least, check this out, y'all... japanic. [Crowd cheering]
Lateesha Rodriguez:
That's how I flow with it!
Jerry Springer:
Do you believe the government should recognise these racial subgroups?
Lateesha Rodriguez:
Yes, Jerry, I do.
Young Noah:
It's not about following your heart and it's not about keeping your promises. It's about security.
Young Allie:
What's that supposed to mean?
Young Noah:
[yelling] Money. He's got a lot of money!
Young Allie:
You smug bastard. I hate you for saying that.
Young Noah:
You're bored Allie. You're bored and you know it. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing.
Young Allie:
You arrogant son of a bitch.
Young Noah:
Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie:
Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Young Noah:
Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie:
So what?
Young Noah:
So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
Young Allie:
What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah:
Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Young Allie:
It's not that simple.
Young Noah:
What... do... you... want? Whaddaya want?
Young Allie:
I have to go now.
Lou:
My sweet vanilla creamy, chewy jellybeany, absolutely dreamy girl. Your juicy fruity lips, good and plenty. A cherry bomb in every bite, rich and lovely chocolate kisses delight. Mmm and mmm, melts in my mouth and in my hands. I want to nestle in your mounds and revel in your snickers, I want to Godiva into your bit o'honey, almond enjoying you, kissing up your peppermint patty, I am your sugar daddy. All saltwater Taffy, my sweet tart Sassy... hook, line, and sucker.
Don:
[in an thick Philipino accent] How you guys doing? I'm Don. Don, rhyme with flon. You have any question?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Yes, Yes indeed Don we do. Is this a good machine?
Don:
Yeah it is good if you cheap bastard. No jus... jus doing comedy with you. That one is okay. But if you are serious about Kar'-oke.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Oh we are!
Don:
Okay then... there is only one model for you. The AUDIO 2000. This baby got the 16-bit dual D/A converter, 3 beam checking, digital key controller, so you can change the pitch if your voice sucks. But I don't need that.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
That's nice. How much?
Don:
Price is not important
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
No price is very important, actually.
Don:
Okay you got me; take me away. Okay it's a lil' bit expensive. But let me tell you, it's worth it. When you sing to your girlfriend.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Uh huh.
Don:
And her heart thweaaaatt-boom! fall down on the floor, you say thank you Don.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
How much does it cost, exactly?
Don:
[Motions them over and begins to talk quietly in an American accent] Alright, here's the real deal. Um, I don't usually do this but you guys look like cool guys, and uh, I got a little piece of ass last night, so I am feeling extra generous.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Oh!
Don:
I'm gonna let you guys have it for $1,300.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
$1,300?
Don:
Final offer.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
uh, excuse me, I just got a little warm. [unzips jacket to reveal priest's collar]
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
My friend, he gets, he gets a little warm.
Don:
[Sees priest's collar] Oh man! What is that? What is... get out of here with that. Is that real?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Oh yeah!
Jack:
Hey, George... How does this relationship nonsense usually work?
George:
Usually, you go on a couple of dates, see if you like each other. Eventually you have sex.
Jack:
Right. I, uh... I sort of skipped the whole dating thing. So what then?
George:
And then, if you're happy with the action, you become boyfriend and girlfriend. It's really fun for, like, three months, and then you realize it's work. Then you dump her. Or not.
Jack:
Okay, let's say not.
George:
You move in together.
Jack:
I did that.
George:
Right. Well... Then you get married. You start your trajectory of acquisitions. Knives, forks, juicer, barbecue. You move to the 'burbs. You buy a house. You pop some kids out. You fight, you cheat, you separate, divorce, you split the shit, and see the kids on weekends. Then you start all over again.
Jack:
It all sounds so promising.
George:
It's just an outline, Jack.
Rabbi Tuckman:
I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.
Merry Men:
'ello Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman:
Hello boys!
Robin Hood:
A moyel... I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.
Rabbi Tuckman:
A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.
Scarlet:
What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?
Rabbi Tuckman:
It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!
Little John:
I'll take one!
Ahchoo:
Hey, put me down for two!
Robin Hood:
I'm game. How's it done?
Rabbi Tuckman:
It's a snap. [demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine]
Rabbi Tuckman:
I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then... [releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot]
Rabbi Tuckman:
I nip the tip! Whose first?
Merry Men:
[groan]
Little John:
I changed me mind!
Ahchoo:
I forgot, I already got one.
Blinkin:
[puts his hand in the air] Question... [Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him]
Rabbi Tuckman:
I gotta start working with a younger crowd.
Capt. Jack Aubrey:
Right lads, now, I know there's not a faint heart among you, and I know you're as anxious as I am to get into close action. But we must bring them right up beside us before we spring this trap. That will test our nerve, and discipline will count just as much as courage. The Acheron is a tough nut to crack... more than twice our guns, more than twice our numbers, and they will sell their lives dearly. Topmen, your handling of the sheets to be lubberly and un-navy like. Until the signal calls, you're to spill the wind from our sails, this will bring us almost to a complete stop. Gun crews, you must run out and tie down in double quick time. With the rear wheels removed, you've gained elevation. and without recoil, there'll be no chance for re-load, so gun captains, that gives you one shot from the lardboard battery... one shot only. You'll fire for her mainmast. Much will depend on your accuracy... however... even crippled, she will still be dangerous, like a wounded beast. Captain Howard and the marines will sweep their weather deck with swivel gun and musket fire from the tops. They'll try and even the odds for us before we board. They mean to take us as a prize. [all chuckling]
Capt. Jack Aubrey:
And we are worth more to them undamaged. Their greed... will be their downfall. England is under threat of invasion, and though we be on the far side of the world, this ship is our home. This ship, is England. So it's every hand to his rope or gun, quick's the word and sharp's the action. After all... surprise is on our side.
Crew:
Huzzah, huzzah!
