Bob Dylan:
[while reading a store sign] I'm looking for a place that will collect, clip, bath and return my dog. Kn1 7727, cigarettes and tobacco. Animals and birds bought or sold on commission. animals and birds bought or sold on commission. I want a dog that's gonna collect and clean my bath, return my cigarette, and, and give tobacco to my animals, and give my birds a commission. I want- I'm looking for somebody to sell my dog, collect my clip, buy my animal and straighten out my bird. I'm looking for a place to bathe my bird, buy my dog, collect my clip, sell me cigarrets and comission my bath. I'm looking for a place that's gonna collect my commission, sell my dog, burn my bird, and sell me to the cigarette. Going to bird my buy, collect my will, and bathe my comission. I'm looking for a place that's going to animal my soul, knit my return, bathe my foot and collect my dog. Comission me to sell my animals to the bird to clip and buy my bath and return me back to the cigarettes.
Brad:
You wouldn't have these problems if you would just follow my rules: 100. Friends don't let friends fuck ugly people 99. Try everything twice, the first time you might have been doing it wrong 98. Fat girls give the best head because they're always hungry 97. Cologne: overrated... Deodorant: a must 96. Blondes are usually too dumb to realize they're having more fun 95. After puberty, that's not "baby fat" 94. ATM = the Holy Grail 93. All hippie chicks deep throat, but few vegans swallow 92. Women like shoes. They will look at yours; purchase accordingly 91. BBBJ or why bother? 90. Women cannot parallel park 89. If you wanna fuck it, you've got to be willing to lick it. 88. Ass, stomach, legs, boobs - in that order 87. If it's not dirty, you're doing something wrong 86. If a friend's apartment is running low on toilet paper, you're required to use it all 85. Cheerleaders are overrated 84. Under no circumstance may two men share an umbrella 83. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her 82. Other than in February, the 14th of every month is Pizza and Blowjob Night 81. Dogs are better than cats... period 80. Bigger is never better when they're fake 79. Don't leave the house until you're camera ready 78. A period does not equal a week off from sex 77. Mustaches and hunting = gay 76. Sucking your best friend's dick = priceless 75. You are not accountable if you bring ugly people home, unless you fuck them again in the morning 74. If her mom isn't a MILF, chances are she won't be one either 73. Fake orgasms count, as long as they're not yours 72. The G-spot does not exist 71. There is NOTHING sexy about pregnant women 70. Persistence gets you laid 69. Never give yourself a haircut while drunk 68. No panties = a good night 67. Drinks hard liquor = a great night 66. Tongue piercing = God loves you! 65. Saliva isn't always the best lubricant, just the most fun to apply 64. White cotton panties and knee socks. Enough said! 63. Never lend money to friends 62. Never lend books, CDs, or DVDs to anyone 61. The month you finish paying for your car, it will break down 60. Elvis is not dead 59. Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone 58. What's good for you usually won't taste better. Example: processed peanut butter vs. the all-natural kind 57. People who don't use turn signals deserve mandatory prison sentences 56. Never let a girl shave your balls 55. Porn saves lives 54. Republicans are better at... well... nothing 53. If you've never had New Haven brick oven pizza, you've never had pizza. There is no pizza in New York or Chicago. Don't argue, you'll just sound foolish 52. Old country = cool Alt-country = really cool New country = sucks 51. Condition your hair once a day 50. Masturbate twice a day 49. Eat three square meals every day 48. Women should never cut their hair, unless they're going to play for the other team 47. Crying is blackmail 46. Your choice: spay or neuter your pet... or yourself 45. If she sleeps in your bed, sex is a given 44. If a girl leaves her dirty panties lying around, she wants you to sniff them 43. There's no such thing as "giving 110%" 42. Halloween is the only holiday that matters 41. Sympathy sex trumps make-up sex 40. Body hair just gets in the way 39. Rip bread, don't slice it 38. Every man should learn how to dance, but no other man should know he can 37. Men have no right to speak on the subject of abortion 36. Every decade gives us only one great double album: The White Album, Exile On Main Street, London Calling, Being There, and Cold Roses. 35. Chivalry is not dead, but she has to earn it 34. Watch Carnival Of Souls at least once in your lifetime 33. If your pubic hair is blonde or red, shaving is optional 32. You can cheat on girls with hairy legs 31. If they don't answer, it means yes 30. Never turn down a chance to sleep with a celebrity 29. Sex is better in warmer climates 28. Emo guys = gay; emo gals = easy marks 27. Never trust people who don't drink coffee 26. Springsteen really is The Boss 25. If there's a problem, talk it out 24. If you can't talk it out: fuck, then try again 23. Never lease what you can buy 22. Never break up using a post-it note, her biker friends will hurt you for it 21. Never say "no" to a green-eyed girl 20. Live life as if The Catcher In The Rye were your bible 19. Don't lie, you will get caught 18. Admit that the 1986 Mets were the greatest baseball team of all time and life will be easier 17. Know the legal age of consent in every place you visit 16. Wild animals belong in the wild, not in zoos, fairs, or roadside attractions 15. Pussy farts are charming 14. Only wear a bra if you're going to offend me 13. Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder 12. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye 11. Never underestimate the power of stupid peoplein large groups 10. When in doubt, mumble 9. Masturbation is overrated 8. Small boobs are misunderstood 7. Better to be feared than loved, but even better to have your love feared 6. Handcuffs are the ultimate sex toy 5. If you can't convince them, confuse them 4. Quiet girls are the most likely to toss your salad 3. Women do not understand remote controls, there is no exception to this rule 2. Never overthink... And the most important rule of all: Friends don't fuck.
Princess Tiana:
[while standing on the balcony, she sees a wishing star] [sighs]
Princess Tiana:
I can't believe that I'm doing this. [looks up]
Princess Tiana:
Please... Please... Please [looks down and sees a frog sitting on the balcony]
Princess Tiana:
Oh, very funny. So, what now? I reckon you want a kiss?
Prince Naveen:
Kissing would be nice, yes? [Tiana screams and backs into Charlotte's room]
Prince Naveen:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. [sees Tiana about to launch stuffed animals at him]
Prince Naveen:
Wait, wait, wait, hold on. [Tiana starts throwing the stuffed animals at him]
Prince Naveen:
You know, you have a very strong arm, princess. Wait, please! Put the monkey down. [Tiana throws a stuffed monkey at him]
Princess Tiana:
[lifts up a book] Stay back, or I'll... I'll...
Prince Naveen:
Please, please [hops ontop of a table]
Prince Naveen:
, allow me to introduce myself: I am Prince Naveen [Tiana squashes him]
Prince Naveen:
... of Maldonia.
Princess Tiana:
A prince? But I didn't wish for any... Hold on, if you're the prince, then WHO was that waltzing with Lotte on the dance floor?
Prince Naveen:
The only thing I know, is that one minute I am a prince, charming and handsome, cutting-a-rug, and the next thing I know [trips over his feet]
Prince Naveen:
... I am tripping over these [points to his feet and Tiana lifts the book again]
Prince Naveen:
Wait, wait [catches sight of the book's title]
Prince Naveen:
Wait a moment, I know this story! The Froggie Printo!
Princess Tiana:
[hands the book to Naveen] The Frog Prince?
Prince Naveen:
Yes, my mother had the servants read this to me every night. [begins to flip back and forth between the last two pages of the book]
Prince Naveen:
Yes, yes, this is exactly the answer! You must kiss me!
Princess Tiana:
Excuse me?
Prince Naveen:
You will enjoy it, I guarantee. All women enjoy the kiss of Prince Naveen. Come, we pucker. [his throat bulges out and then returns to normal]
Prince Naveen:
That's new.
Princess Tiana:
Look, I'm sorry. I'd really like to help you, but I DO NOT kiss frogs.
Prince Naveen:
But on the balcony, you ask me.
Princess Tiana:
I didn't expect you to answer!
Prince Naveen:
Oh, but you must kiss me. Look, besides being unbelievably handsome, I come from a fabulously wealthy family. Surely, I can offer you some reward or a wish that I could grant, perhaps?
Princess Tiana:
[reluctantly] Just one kiss?
Prince Naveen:
Just one. Unless you beg for more [licks lips]
Princess Tiana:
[they lean in to kiss, but Tiana flips at the last second] [sighs]
Princess Tiana:
All right, all right. Get it together, Tiana. [she turns around quickly and kisses Naveen]
Prince Naveen:
[lets out a dissapointing sigh, upon realizing that he is still a frog] [he looks down and gasps in horror]
Prince Naveen:
[speaks Maldonian]
Princess Tiana:
[gazes up at the table] Well, you don't look any different. But how did you get way up there? And how did I get way down here, in all this. [sees her hands are webbed. She looks in the mirror, sees she is a frog, and screams]
Old Story Teller:
And a Man sat alone, drenched deep in sadness. And all the animals drew near to him and said, "We do not like to see you so sad. Ask us for whatever you wish and you shall have it." The Man said, "I want to have good sight." The vulture replied, "You shall have mine." The Man said, "I want to be strong." The jaguar said, "You shall be strong like me." Then the Man said, "I long to know the secrets of the earth." The serpent replied, "I will show them to you." And so it went with all the animals. And when the Man had all the gifts that they could give, he left. Then the owl said to the other animals, "Now the Man knows much, he'll be able to do many things. Suddenly I am afraid." The deer said, "The Man has all that he needs. Now his sadness will stop." But the owl replied, "No. I saw a hole in the Man, deep like a hunger he will never fill. It is what makes him sad and what makes him want. He will go on taking and taking, until one day the World will say, 'I am no more and I have nothing left to give.'"
Fred:
I've heard about physical attraction before, chemically I understand it but I've never experienced it.
Jane Bingum:
What, you've never had a crush?
Fred:
Up there all I meet are dead people.
Jane Bingum:
Well, forget it, okay? Stacey's out of your league. You'll be setting yourself up for a world of hurt.
Fred:
No no no, you don't understand! I look at this Stacey, and I, and I can't help it. I wanna, I wanna do her grocery shopping, wanna, wanna re-roof her house. I wanna... hunt animals and bring her the MEAT.
Ryan Bingham:
How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life... you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV... the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home... I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office... and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks.
Lieutenant Danny Roman:
[while trying to talk down a Hostage Taker through a closed door] Yeah, I like animals better than people sometimes... Especially dogs. Dogs are the best. Every time you come home, they act like they haven't seen you in a year. And the good thing about dogs... is they got different dogs for different people. Like pit bulls. The dog of dogs. Pit bull can be the right man's best friend... or the wrong man's worst enemy. You going to give me a dog for a pet, give me a pit bull. Give me... Raoul. Right, Omar? Give me Raoul.
Omar:
[shouting at his Pitbull that is constantly barking] I fucking hate Raoul! Shut the fuck up, asshole! Son of a bitch won't shut up!
Lieutenant Danny Roman:
[to his partner Nathan] Hates Raoul. Farley fucked up the list.
Lieutenant Danny Roman:
[talking again to Omar through a door] Yeah... I can dig it, Omar. I had a dog like that... a poodle. She didn't bark, though... She pissed on the floor. I hated that dog. But if I was ever depressed... she'd lay her head in my lap, look up at me with those big old eyes. And even though I thought I hated that dog... I loved her. It's like that, ain't it? That love-hate thing.
Omar:
[getting more erractic] No more goddamned talk! I can't wait anymore. I want my wife! I want her up here. Or I'll do our daughter. Listen to me... no more talking. I want that bitch or I'll do the girl.
Lieutenant Danny Roman:
Omar, I'm doing the best I can here, man.
Omar:
I'm not going to hurt her. I just want her to see me blow my brains out. I want her to think about that when she's sucking that fat prick's cock.
Cat:
Oh, do forgive me for scratching you dear. I got a bit carried away. It's a cat thing.
Babe:
[laughs] Oh, well, but...
Cat:
Feeling good about tomorrow, are you?
Babe:
Mm-hmm, it should be alright, I think.
Cat:
You know, I probably shouldn't say this, but I'm not sure if you realize how much the other animals are laughing at you for this sheep dog business.
Babe:
Why would they do that?
Cat:
Well, they say that you've forgotten that you're a pig. Isn't that silly?
Babe:
What do you mean?
Cat:
You know, why pigs are here.
Babe:
Why are any of us here?
Cat:
Well, the cow's here to be milked, the dogs are here to help the Boss's husband with the sheep, and I'm here to be beautiful and affectionate to the boss.
Babe:
Yes?
Cat:
[sighs softly] The fact is that pigs don't have a purpose, just like ducks don't have a purpose.
Babe:
[confused] Uh, I - I don't, uh...
Cat:
Alright, for your own sake, I'll be blunt. Why do the Bosses keep ducks? To eat them. So why do the Bosses keep a pig? The fact is that animals don't seem to have a purpose really do have a purpose. The Bosses have to eat. It's probably the most noble purpose of all, when you come to think about it.
Babe:
They eat pigs?
Cat:
Pork, they call it - or bacon. They only call them pigs when they're alive.
Babe:
But, uh, I'm a sheep pig.
Cat:
[giggles] The Boss's husband's just playing a little game with you. Believe me, sooner or later, every pig gets eaten. That's the way the world works. Oh, I haven't upset you, have I? [chuckles softly]
RJ:
[showing the other animals around the houses] They *always* got food with them. We eat to live - these guys live to eat! Let me show you what I'm talking about!
RJ:
[as he speaks he shows the other animals what humans do] The human mouth is called a 'piehole', the human being is called a 'couch potato'.
RJ:
[signifies telephone] *That* is a device to summon food.
RJ:
[signifies doorbell] That is one of the many voices of food.
RJ:
[signifies front door] *That* is the portal for the passing of food.
RJ:
[signifies delivery truck] *That* is one of the many food transportation vehicles. Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food, they drive food, they wear the food!
RJ:
[signifies microwave] *That* gets the food hot!
RJ:
[signifies refrigerator] *That* keeps the food cold!
RJ:
[signifies turtle pinata] *That*... I'm not sure what that is.
RJ:
[kids break the turtle piñata and Verne yells] Well, what do you know? FOOD!
RJ:
[signifies table where family prays before dinner] *That* is the altar where they WORSHIP food!
RJ:
[signifies advert for Seltzer] That's what they eat when they've eaten TOO MUCH food!
RJ:
[signifies treadmill] *That* gets rid of the guilt so they can eat MORE FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOOOOD! So, you think they have enough?
RJ:
[everybody nods] Well, they don't. For humans, enough is *never* enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming silver cans, just for us!
RJ:
[opens the thrash cans and knocks them over] Dig in!
Mrs. Cole:
I must admit to some confusion receiving your letter, Professor Dumbledore. In all the years Toms been here hes never once had a family visitor. There have been incidents with the other Children. Nasty things. Tom? You have a visitor.
Albus Dumbledore:
How do you do, Tom?
Tom Riddle - Age 11:
Go.
Tom Riddle - Age 11:
You're the doctor aren't you?
Albus Dumbledore:
No, I'm a professor.
Tom Riddle - Age 11:
I don't believe you. she wants me looked at. They think I'm... different.
Albus Dumbledore:
Well perhaps there right.
Tom Riddle - Age 11:
I'm not mad.
Albus Dumbledore:
Hogwarts is not a place for mad people. Hogwarts is a school. A school of magic. You can do things can't you, Tom? That other children can't.
Tom Riddle - Age 11:
I can make things move without touching them. I can make animals do what I want without training them. I can make bad things happen to people who are mean to me. I can make them hurt. If I want... Who are you?
Albus Dumbledore:
Well I'm like you, Tom. I'm different.
Tom Riddle - Age 11:
Prove it. [Wardrobe goes on fire]
Albus Dumbledore:
I think there's something in the wardrobe trying to get out, Tom [Opens the wardrobe, and dumps out the contents]
Albus Dumbledore:
Thievery is not tolerated at Hogwarts,Tom. At Hogwarts you will be taught not only how to use magic, but how to control it. You understand me? [Dumbledore starts to leave]
Tom Riddle - Age 11:
I can speak to snakes too. They find me, whisper things. [Dumbledore looks surprised]
Tom Riddle - Age 11:
Is that normal, for someone like me?
Winston:
Oyez, oyez. Prince XII has returned. [ducks trumpet]
Garfield:
Thank you windbag, for that flobbering introduction. Hello, everybody! [animals look in astonishment]
Garfield:
Hey, listen up... [flicks Winston's nose]
Garfield:
is this an audience or a landscape? Okay, great to be back here at the palace. I look out, I see a sea of... of dumb barnyard animals. I'm here in your country to break up a romance between the guy who owns the house I live in and a girl who's way out of his league. I know that whatever it is that you have, there's some sort of affliction that produces this glazed look behind your eyes. I hope you defeat it. Wish I could take everybody home with me. Thank you. [walks away]
Garfield:
I killed.
Winston:
Very funny, sire. Well done.
Nigel:
I didn't realize it was amateur hour.
Eenie:
What's up with Prince?
Christophe:
Oh, he's on the catnip again.
I, Claudius:
Hold on, chaps! Have I got news for you!
McBunny:
What's the word, Claudius?
I, Claudius:
Dargis is going to bulldoze the barnyard and feed us to the tourists!
Nigel:
Let him try. He'll have to deal with these fists of fury first, wouldn't he? [animals complain]
Winston:
Calm yourselves, everyone. We're alright as long as Prince is alive.
McBunny:
Well, obviously, that feline is not Prince, you idiots!
Preston:
He's not even a cat formerly known as Prince. [animals argue]
Winston:
Wait, he doesn't have to be Prince. He just has to look like him. If he fooled me, he'll fool them.
McBunny:
But what's to stop Dargis from getting rid of this cat too?
Winston:
McBunny's right. We must protect this cat at all costs. Our fates rely on it.
