[at a seminar, Charlie Kaufman has asked McKee for advice on his new screenplay in which 'nothing much happens']
Robert McKee:
Nothing happens in the world? Are you out of your fucking mind? People are murdered every day. There's genocide, war, corruption. Every fucking day, somewhere in the world, somebody sacrifices his life to save someone else. Every fucking day, someone, somewhere takes a conscious decision to destroy someone else. People find love, people lose it. For Christ's sake, a child watches her mother beaten to death on the steps of a church. Someone goes hungry. Somebody else betrays his best friend for a woman. If you can't find that stuff in life, then you, my friend, don't know crap about life! And why the FUCK are you wasting my two precious hours with your movie? I don't have any use for it! I don't have any bloody use for it!
Charlie Kaufman:
Okay, thanks.
Cal:
Listen, when I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.
Andy Stitzer:
I think I've got all the advice I can handle right now.
Cal:
Don't get bitter.
Andy Stitzer:
I'm not getting bitter. I almost lost a nipple, okay?
Cal:
That was Jay's idea, and I wasn't going to say anything, but waxing your chest is the gayest thing you could possibly do. Look at me: looks are not important. *Really* look at me. I am ugly as fuck by traditional standards, but, I get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?
Andy Stitzer:
I am not ugly as fuck.
Cal:
I didn't say you were ugly as fuck.
Andy Stitzer:
Well, you implied it.
Cal:
Okay, okay, it doesn't matter if you're ugly as fuck, or you're ugly as shit. It's about *talking* to women, and I know how to do that because I observe, because I am a novelist.
Andy Stitzer:
What? You never told me that before.
Cal:
That's because I'm not an arrogant prick, Andy.
Nun:
Let me get this straight: you don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"?
Loki:
No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, "Do it... do it and I'll fuckin' spank you."
Bartleby:
[Bartleby is listening from a nearby seat] [quietly]
Bartleby:
Oh, geez...
Nun:
The way you put it... I never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I...
Loki:
Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take this money that you've been collecting for your parish, go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment, 'cause that's really all that life is, Sister. It's a series of moments. Why don't you seize yours? [the nun hesitates, then smiles, nods, and leaves]
Loki:
That-a girl. Ah. [he turns around and sits next to Bartleby with a grin on his face]
Bartleby:
You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki:
I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it, I love to keep those guys on their toes.
Divatox:
I Rita, D. here. Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, i totally forgot about the time change, but I need you to tell me this: how do I get rid of the Power Rangers? [speaking from another planet]
Rita Repulssa:
What? The Power Rangers? Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah! If I knew that, do you think I would be lying here listening to this? [puts the phone on Lord Zedd, who is snoring]
Rita Repulssa:
My advice to you, Divatox: RUUUN!
Divatox:
Thanks for nothing!
Alix:
I found out how hard it is to change, really change. Even hell can get comfortable if you're used to it. All I wanted my whole life, was for that lonliness inside me to go away. But, it never did, no matted what I drank, or what drug I took, or where I went, who I was with. We all need something to help us get through life. All I needed was to find the right thing to rely on, something that would never go away, something I would never run out of. Turned out to be the same thing for everybody. And the funny thing was, it was there all the time, in those little glimpses of heaven in every day... In the smile of a stranger, the green of the trees, the advice of a friend, the laughter of a child, the help of a neighbor, the plane that arrived safely.
Freak:
Hey my mom gave me some advice today; she said there are four stages of consciousness development: stage one is when you're like a kid, ya know, everything is new, nothing really bothers ya, you're not self conscious but you're little; stage two is the existential stage when you like become aware of your own existence, ya know, you look around, everything seems hopeless, ya know? You're like, "Ah whats the point in doing anything, man? We're all gonna die anyway," and all that shit; and then there's stage three where you realize that everything isn't hopeless and you get a glimmer of it, you just gotta get there.
David Keenan:
Get where?
Freak:
To stage four, nirvana.
David Keenan:
So, ok, so like that make me what like a stage two and I suppose you're like a stage four.
Freak:
No man, I'm a stage one.
David Keenan:
You're so full of shit!
Freak:
Its just some shit my mom told me; you use it as you will.
Tour Guide:
Okay, so the next thing I want you to do is jump off the building. I mean it, just jump. Hey, I wouldn't tell you to do something dangerous and life-threatening, would I? Come on! [Spider-Man jumps off the rooftop and falls in slow-motion]
Tour Guide:
Do you always do what people tell you? You know, there's a word for that: LOSER! So, what now, wise guy? Just a little friendly advice while you're falling to your death. You're going to want to shoot out a webline to save yourself. Push the left analog stick in the direction you want to go and press the swing button. Oh, by the way, it'll only work if there's something swingable in range, okay?
