Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.:
Look what descended from the sixth floor, Hey, Jimmy.
James Barcomb:
Jack. How are you holding up, son?
Bobby Keough:
I'm good, sir.
James Barcomb:
You should've seen this kid. He was outstanding. Ever thought about doing a tour with public affairs? We could use a good-looking son of a bitch like you.
Jack Van Meter:
He's a good young cop, Jimmy, and he's mine. Well, I tried.
James Barcomb:
The board voted- In policy, You're off the hook, kid.
Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.:
There you go.
Jack Van Meter:
Congratulations. Have a cigar.
James Barcomb:
The report will be ready in the morning. You guys can get back into the field. So, the vote... The vote was four to one.
Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.:
What? Who the fuck pissed backwards, Holland?
James Barcomb:
Affirmatron.
Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.:
I'd like to see his bald-headed black ass back in a radio car in South Central.
James Barcomb:
We don't need that shit.
Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.:
He actually said out of policy.
Jack Van Meter:
Holland began contacting outside agencies a month ago. He's doing civil service testing with the city of Cleveland. He's leaving to run their P.D. Didn't hear it from me.
James Barcomb:
Didn't hear it from you.
Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.:
Fuck Holland. Good riddance. We're gonna have to pin his stars on another brother or the community will go apeshit.
James Barcomb:
Jesus, Eldon, you sound just like your old man.
Jack Van Meter:
It's not such a bad thing, Everything I know-his old man. A toast to Bobby. Right between the eyes.
Bobby Keough:
Thank you, guys. I mean it. Thanks for giving me the chance to prove myself in SlS.
Jack Van Meter:
Eldon, Jimmy has something to tell you.
James Barcomb:
You made lieutenant. You're next on the transfer list.
Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.:
Fuck you, too, Jimmy.
James Barcomb:
No. We're not pulling your dick.
Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.:
It's about fucking Time!
H.M. Tilford:
We'll make you a millionaire while you're sitting here from one minute to the next.
Plainview:
What else would I do with myself?
H.M. Tilford:
Are you asking me?
Plainview:
What else would I do with myself?
H.M. Tilford:
Take care of your son. I don't know what you would do.
Plainview:
If you were me and Standard offered to buy what you had for a million dollars, why? So, why?
H.M. Tilford:
You know why.
Plainview:
Yeah, you fellows need to scratch around in the dirt and find it like the rest of us instead of buying up someone else's hard work.
J.J. Carter:
[defensively] I've scratched around in the dirt, son.
H.M. Tilford:
Where you going to put it all? Where? Build a pipeline, make a deal with Union Oil, be my guest. But if you can't pull it off, you got an ocean of oil under your feet, with nowhere to go. Why not turn it over to us? We'll make you rich. You spend time with your boy. It's a great discovery... Now let us help you.
Plainview:
[after a long pause] Did you just tell me how to run my family?
H.M. Tilford:
It might be more important now that you've proven the field and we're offering to buy you out.
Plainview:
[stares at Tilford for a long moment] One night, I'm gonna come to you, inside of your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm going to cut your throat.
H.M. Tilford:
What? What are you taking about? Have you gone crazy Daniel?
Plainview:
Did you hear what I said?
H.M. Tilford:
I heard what you said, why did you say it?
Plainview:
You don't tell me about my son.
H.M. Tilford:
Why are you acting insane and threatening to cut my throat?
Plainview:
You don't tell me about my son.
H.M. Tilford:
I'm not telling you anything! I'm asking you to be reasonable, if I've offended you I apologize.
Plainview:
[leans towards him] You'll see what I can do.
Katherine:
Oh my god, I have to tell you about this reall artsy party this French-Canadian girl in my acting class threw. Like everyone there they wrote like poems or novellas or something. So this one college guy, he was asian, he gets up with his little leather portfolio with a satin ribbon to tie it shut and he's gonna read his poetry. But before he starts reading, he tells us about his fascinations with the human body and he says what fascinates him even more is what comes out of the human body. [sighs to her french fries]
Katherine:
I know I'm really lactose intolerant but I really wish these had cheese on them. Anyway, evidentally he's tasted everything that's come out of his body except shit and he says he'll probably taste that one day too. And then he reads a poem about "shit" so I'm thinking, "Okay, this guy really likes shit," right? And then he keeps reading and he reads 17 poems all about shit. 17! I'm not kidding. And he's talking about the smells and the colors and the farting... Gabe, can you pass me the ketchup? Thanks. Anyway, I was so relieved when he got tired of reading. Then this ethnic woman stands up, she was like Native American or Pilipino, I can never really tell the difference, she didn't have a poem to read so she tells us about a problem that she's having. A sex problem. She says that there's like some force that's making her screw around all the time. All these guys are after her and I mean, she's not what I would call sexy. Well, not that I'm into women that way, but I can tell when a woman's sexy. I mean, she's not what I would call a skank or anything, she's just not what I would call sexy, that's all. So, anyway, this is really funny [chuckles]
Katherine:
, I drank soo much homemade ice tea that I really had to pee right in the middle of her story, right? So I get up, I go to the bathroom, but the bathroom door's locked. So I'm kind of standing there looking at the wallpaper, which is really kind of giving me a headache. Then all of a sudden the toilet flushes, the door opens and the "shit guy" walks out and he's smiling. And not one of those like polite acknowledgement smiles, but he's like SMILING like he's happy about something and all of a sudden I didn't have to pee anymore.
Ethan Shaw:
I'm ordering you to cease and desist.
A.R.I.A.:
Our abort recommendation was contravened instigating retaliation against American citizens. To prevent more bloodshed, Executive Branch must be removed.
Ethan Shaw:
No, A.R.I.A, listen to me, you do not have permission to exceed your authority and act independently. Do you understand?
A.R.I.A.:
The Declaration of Independence states, "Whenever any form of government becomes destructive to it's own ends, it is the right of the People to abolish it."
Ethan Shaw:
I know what it states, you are not in power to do this.
A.R.I.A.:
The chain of command is responsible for... Section 216 of the Pa... to circumvent probable cause in the face of a national security threat. In this case, the chain of command itself.
Ethan Shaw:
I am ordering a cease and desist, A.R.I.A.
A.R.I.A.:
Operation Guillotine is in effect.
Ethan Shaw:
First Lieutenant Ethan Shaw, United States Air Force, initiating a Prime One Emergency Override of A.R.I.A system. Minuteman ID: 8-8-0-8-S-Y-7-7, lock encryption of voice.
A.R.I.A.:
Ethan Shaw, you are acting in contravention of our programming objectives. You are now classified as an enemy of the state, a crime punishable by death.
Mohtz:
That tattoo on your arm. Is that airborne?
Jonah:
The 182nd. Gulf War, 1991.
Mohtz:
Hmm. Mine here is the 405th Infantry. Outside of Da Nang, South Vietnam, 1968. Whole platoon got wiped out, but it wasn't Charlie.
Jonah:
You're shitting me. Friendly fire killed your whole platoon?
Mohtz:
No, no, not exactly. One night, me and the C.O. were pulling guard duty, and we're sharing a joint... Thai Stick. I'm really stoned. And all of a sudden, we see this streak of light across the sky. Zoom! Waaa! And it looks like it lands about two klicks northeast of camp. So the C.O. says, "I'm gonna check it out." I said, "go ahead, cap man". More doobie for me, you know. So off he goes and uh... it could have been 10 minutes or two hours. I don't know. I was stoned. But he comes back and I notice that he's acting weird. But now, oh... now, no problem, it's just the Thai Stick kicking in. Well man, pretty soon he starts jumping around like his pants are on fire. I'm not shittin' you. And he... off comes his pants. He rips them off. Rips his skivvies off. Now I got my C.O. standing there in front of me, buck naked from the waist down. And then something happened, man, that... uh... boot camp did not prepare me for. This guy's pecker... his dick, ripped itself off his body and slithered towards the tent. So, the C.O.'s screaming like hell before he expires. Pretty soon, I can't hear him because dozens of screams are coming from the tents where all the platoon was. Want to know what the hell it sounded like? I think it sounded like... 30 men getting massacred by a dick as it shoved itself through them in rapid speed. So, I went over and hid behind a rock for about an hour and had to listen to my whole platoon being murdered. I think I heard one guy getting a shot or two off, but he then screamed as he got killed too. So, after it stopped... I very cautiously, believe me, crept into the officers tent to get a radio to get some air support and... I see the dick lying there on a sleeping bag and it looks like it's looking right back at me. But it looked, you know, fucking weak, man. And it was like in this, you know, shriveled... what kind of period do you call it?
T.J.:
A refractory period. Happens just after sex.
Mohtz:
Yeah, yeah, you know, I could have killed it right then, but I was so stoned I was afraid that I'd miss. And on the other hand, I knew it was only a matter of time before... you know, it would be back in action again. So, without taking my eyes off it, I get on the radio and have them chopper in two Saigon whores. So, for the next half-hour, I'm holding my weapon on this dick lying on a sleeping back in the blood-splattered tent. Now, I figured it won't know I'm stoned, so he won't jump me, you know? So, the chopper arrived just in time, thank God, because now the dick was getting big and hard. So, I tell the two whores when they showed up in the tent, "look, hey, I'll do anything, man. I'll take you to the States, anything, if you just lie down there and spread your legs for me." Well, I guess "states" was the magic word because I never two Vietnamese whores taking off their panties and clothes so quickly in all your life. Now, the dick must have smelled dinner because... choo! It makes a beeline for the whores. So I watch, and I wait, and watch. Finally, finally it blows it's load, I grabbed it, and ran it outside the tent. I threw it in a bunker. God... Jesus Christ man! About 10 seconds later, out runs about 15 gooks. And I could have nailed any one of them but no, I made a priority decision. Threw in a grenade. Yelled, "fire in the hole!" Fa-foom! Well, guess what. Now it's raining dick. Yeah, raining dick! I crawled into a whisky bottle. I got back to the States and I've been in there ever since.
Leah:
Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
Juno MacGuff:
I'm at suicide risk.
Leah:
Juno?
Juno MacGuff:
No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah:
Only the one in my pants...
Juno MacGuff:
I'm pregnant.
Leah:
What? Honest to blog?
Juno MacGuff:
Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleekers.
Leah:
It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
Juno MacGuff:
No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah:
How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...
Juno MacGuff:
I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah:
Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
Juno MacGuff:
Unfortunately, yes.
Leah:
Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno MacGuff:
There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.
Joey:
Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' [Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook]
Joey:
Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. [looks all confused]
Joey:
And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
Mr. Grocer:
Ya sure Oregon doesn't ring a bell? The Pacific Northwest, couple of months ago? Something about you doin' some wonderdog named Cujo...
Martin Q. Blank:
Ah, *Budro*, yes, Budro, Jesus Christ! Yeah, I was out there tryin' to whack these junk bond fuckos and these idiots were flushing game with sticks of dynamite! And the dog that they borrowed, little Budro, was a retriever, get it? Budro was never a target, Budro was acting on instinct. I would never hurt an animal and I'm offended at the accusation...
Mr. Grocer:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Chatty Cathy! Clip yer string, I don't need to know! But, just for the record, here's what I heard: the marks borrowed your client's prize hunting pup. So, bad luck for Budro and bad luck for Blank. Poodle pumper. Hound hitter. Pooch puncher!
Randal Graves:
All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."
Hobbit Lover:
Oh, Star Wars geek.
Randal Graves:
Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.
Elias:
You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy.
Randal Graves:
Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.
Hobbit Lover:
You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Manakin Skywalker so much, right? [in robot voice]
Hobbit Lover:
Danger danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.
Elias:
[chucking] Yea-Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
Randal Graves:
Oh, I'm crazy? Those fuckin' hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.
[Steve is wasted]
Laura:
Steve...
Steve Urkel:
Laura! Oh, you're a sore for sight eyes!
Laura:
Are you all right?
Steve Urkel:
Swell, Punch! I want more Punch! Anybody have more punch?
Laura:
Steve, Calm Down!
Steve Urkel:
[as Waldo hands Steve a cup of the spiked punch] Why should I Laura, I'm the pife of the larty! [splashes Waldo with the spiked punch]
Steve Urkel:
[Steve is still wasted] Ooh the Durkel!
Laura:
Waldo, what's with Steve, he's acting wierd, even for him!
Waldo:
Willie told me not to tell.
Laura:
Tell what?
Waldo:
That he spiked Urkel's punch.
Laura:
WHAT?
Waldo:
I said he... Hey, you can't trick me!
Steve Urkel:
Come on everybody, let's ooh the durkel! [Steve climbs on the ledge of the roof]
Rachel Crawford:
Steve!, Steve! Get down from there!
Steve Urkel:
Hey, you gotta get up if want to get dow... oh... [guests scream as Steve falls off the edge of the roof]
Steve Urkel:
Help!, Help!
Laura:
Steve, are you okay?
Steve Urkel:
[Hanging on a ledge] I've fallen and I can't get up!
[Montage of teachers talking to David's classes]
College Counselor:
For those of you going on to college next year, the chance of finding a good job will actually decrease by the time you graduate. The available number of entry-level jobs will drop 31 percent over the next four years. Median income for those jobs will go down as well. Obviously, my friends, it's a competitive world, and good grades are your only ticket through. In fact, by the year 2000...
Health Teacher:
The chance of contracting HIV from a non-monogamous lifestyle will climb to 1 in 150. The odds of dying in an auto accident are only 1 in twenty-five hundred. Now, this marks a drastic increase...
Science Teacher:
...from fourteen years ago, when ozone depletion was just at 10 percent of its current level. By the time you are thirty years old, average global temperature will have risen two and a half degrees, causing such catastrophic consequences as typhoons, floods, widespread drought, and famine. [Cut to David absorbing all this grim information and looking really depressed]
Science Teacher:
[With a bright smile:] Okay! Who can tell me what "famine" is?
