Woody Allen

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Date created: April 2010

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Woody Allen Vital Stats

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Birthdate December 1, 1935

Zodiac Sagittarius

Location Brooklyn, New York

Country United States of America

Etnhnicity

Job others,

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Woody Allen Quotes

If my films make one more person miserable, I`ll feel I have done my job.

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I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Tags: humor life

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To you, I'm an atheist.

To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

Tags: absurd atheism humor

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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Tags: humor life

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I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Tags: absurd humor music

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I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.

She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Tags: absurd atheism humor religion

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My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

Tags: humor

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Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author:

Tags: humor irony

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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Tags: atheism humor

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God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Tags: humor mankind silence

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Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

Tags: humor

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There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

Tags: humor

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There is no question that there is an unseen world. The question is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

Tags: humor

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I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

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You can't ride two horses with one behind.

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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Tags: hedonsim humor

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I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

Tags: dirty humor nature

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Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Tags: death funny humor

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I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes.

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/It's/ much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

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Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.

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Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

Tags: beowulf humor school

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The wicked at heart probably know something.

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I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work ... I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Tags: life

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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Tags: life

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If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Tags: atheism metaphysics philosophy

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I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

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The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

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Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

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Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

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Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

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The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

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I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

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I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

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Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

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Eighty percent of success is showing up.

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It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

Tags: absurd

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More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Tags: absurd

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A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.

I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

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I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

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Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?

It'll be a year come April 20th.

I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday

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I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket.

He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

Tags: absurd

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Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe.

It required bandaging.

Tags: absurd

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