Steven Wright

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Date created: April 2010

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Steven Wright Vital Stats

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Birthdate December 6, 1955

Zodiac Sagittarius

Location New York City, Massachusetts

Country United States

Etnhnicity

Job others,

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Steven Wright Quotes

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Tags: books humor

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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Tags: books humor reading

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I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

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Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I

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I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else

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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said,

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The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

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Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

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Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn

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I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV

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I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you

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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

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You can't have everything ... where would you put it?

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Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

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You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it.

-Steven Wright

Tags: junk stuff things

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When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said,

Tags: firearms humor

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If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

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If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

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I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

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I'm a peripheral visionary.

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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn

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I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

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I bought some powdered water, but I don

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I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

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It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.

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A metaphor is like a simile.

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Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

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When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

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I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

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I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was

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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

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Why are there five syllables in the word

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I have an inferiority complex, but it

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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

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I had a quicksand box as a kid. I was an only child... eventually.

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where

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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said,

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When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

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If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody

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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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What's another word for thesaurus?

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

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I have a hobby. I have the world

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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

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Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

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