Eugene Mirman

Eugene Mirman

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Date created: April 2010

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Eugene Mirman Quotes

Try not to wake up on fire.

Tags: humor

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

Tags: advice humor support talking

Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.

Tags: business entertainment humor

Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other PR is about creating a web of lies that conceals the fact that your company harnesses the energy produced by rape and uses it to make a chemical that kills forests for fun. Either way, you're going to need it.

Tags: business humor

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).

Tags: advice conversation humor

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

Tags: advice humor parties prom school

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

Tags: advice humor

The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world.

...

Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about, so here are a few suggestions:

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5. Reasons it's wrong to be racist even though it makes sense to you.

Tags: college humor racism

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

Tags: advice humor

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

Tags: humor relationships sports

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can't see this sentence!!!!!)

Tags: humor

If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.

Tags: humor parties

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I never ever thought that I was a giggler. I was the one who could hold it together but I didn't on this... - Ashley Jensen

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