David Sedaris

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David Sedaris

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Date created: April 2010

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David Sedaris Vital Stats

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Birthdate December 26, 1956

Zodiac Capricorn

Location Johnson City, New York

Country United States

Etnhnicity

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David Sedaris Quotes

At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn`t imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.

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We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

Tags: affection alcohol drinking emotion humor

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

Tags: humor perception retardation

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

Tags: fashion humor

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

Tags: humor

A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night.

Tags: humor

Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren't.

Tags: humor smoking stereotypes

After the trial, I watched as another female pathologist collected maggots from a spinal column found in the desert. There was a decomposed head, too, and before leaving work she planned to simmer it and study the exposed cranium for contusions. I was asked to pass this information along to the chief medical examiner, and, looking back, I perhaps should have chosen my words more carefully. 'Fire up the kettle,' I told him. 'Ol'-fashioned skull boil at five p.m.

Tags: humor

Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says,

Tags: police television

Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like.

Tags: confinement hell

If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.

Tags: justice

It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.

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Quotes of the Day

I never ever thought that I was a giggler. I was the one who could hold it together but I didn't on this... - Ashley Jensen

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