Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler

Views: 3905

Date created: April 2010

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Chelsea Handler Vital Stats

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Birthdate February 25, 1975

Zodiac

Location Livingston, New Jersey

Country United States of America

Etnhnicity

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Chelsea Handler Quotes

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

Tags: alcohol drinking drinks humor

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

Tags: humor

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

Tags: drinking humor

The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pibic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, andwondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world amoung his compatriots. I'm not a finicky personwhen it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselces to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.

Tags: humor

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Tags: humor

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

Tags: humor

We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized

biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first

book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.

Tags: humor

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