Jon Stewart

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Jon Stewart

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Date created: April 2010

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Jon Stewart Vital Stats

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Birthdate November 28, 1962

Zodiac Sagittarius

Location Lawrence, New York

Country United States

Etnhnicity

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Jon Stewart Quotes

I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that`s really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, "Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!" And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.

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Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Tags: humor religion

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Tags: humor

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Tags: democracy government humor politics

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

Tags: humor obama parking

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

Tags: hate politics rumsfield

Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.

Tags: america confederation constitution failure

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Tags: canada funny

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

Tags: humor

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Tags: absurd humor thanksgiving

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

Tags: christianity humor religion

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

Tags: humor politics

Quotes of the Day

I never ever thought that I was a giggler. I was the one who could hold it together but I didn't on this... - Ashley Jensen

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