Views: 739
Date created: April 2010
Birthdate February 21, 1927
Zodiac
Location Dayton, Ohio
Country United States of America
Etnhnicity
Job others,
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
Housework can kill you if done right.
When your mother asks,
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply.
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Written on her tombstone:
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say,
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
When God Created Mothers
It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
I never ever thought that I was a giggler. I was the one who could hold it together but I didn't on this... - Ashley Jensen
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I know what I look like. I'm not a babe who's automatically going to be the leading-lady type. I think ... - Ashley Jensen
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