Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs

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Date created: April 2010

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Augusten Burroughs Vital Stats

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Birthdate October 23, 1965

Zodiac

Location Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Country United States of America

Etnhnicity

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Augusten Burroughs Quotes

In the opening to the Mary Tyler Moore Show Mary's in the supermarket, hurrying through the aisles. She pauses at the meat case, picks up a steak and checks the price. Then rolls her eyes, shrugs and tosses it in the cart. That's kind of how I feel. Sure I would have liked things to be different. But, 'roll of eyes' what can you do? 'shrug' I threw the meat in my cart and moved on.

Tags: humor

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

Tags: confessions humor

If we happened to be in rehearsal downstairs in my room and a neighbor padded across the lawn to rap gently on the window and ask us to please be more quiet, Natalie might simply lift up her skirt and mash her vagina against the window while extending her middle finger.

Tags: disgusting humor hysterical vagina

I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.

Tags: humor

Turn off the light,

Tags: leaving mother

He continues to smile expectantly. I take a step back. I don't want to catch whatever he has. He is a disturbing out-of-uniform Santa.

Tags: disturbing santa smile

Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth

Tags: humor

Glen had a disability more disfiguring than a burn and more terrifying than cancer.

Glen had been born on the day after Christmas.

Tags: birthdays christmas humor

Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour.

Tags: christmas humor thanksgiving

I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.

Tags: loneliness lonely sadness sorrow

As I sat in the hot, salty water, I thought, 'No wonder Mr. Bubble always gives me a urinary tract infection and hives.' Mr. Bubble was for common people. Mr. Bubble was for my so-called brother, their true child. I was a Vanderbilt. I should bathe in condiments and seasonings.

Tags: humor

What police officer would dare ticket Death's minivan?

Tags: humor

Quotes of the Day

I never ever thought that I was a giggler. I was the one who could hold it together but I didn't on this... - Ashley Jensen

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